Dating is a game, a game where you take chances, risk yourself and ultimately win or lose. Sometimes you lose hard and sometimes you are frustrated because you’re on the sidelines and can’t even get into the game.
Everyone knows how that feels. Men, women, everyone. The typical response is to blame other people.
“If they had just known how pure my feelings are…”
“They don’t understand me”
“Why can’t it go my way?”
The thing is, don’t feel alone in that feeling. Don’t single yourself out thinking life never goes your way. The rule of life is nothing stays the same forever and there may be a lesson for you to learn first before you can move forward.
I know pretty girls that are single, looking for a boyfriend, and can’t find anyone for years because the guys they date are more into themselves than the girl. They’re more obsessed with their self-image of dating a pretty girl than really understanding her in the first place.
And girls get rejected too. They’ll like a guy that never makes a move on her, they’ll wait patiently for him and even ask him out to only have him say no way.
Whether you’re young, old, we all don’t want to be rejected, but it does happen and sometimes it really does work in your favor.
Sometimes, that person is NOT ready to date at all, they need to get over a break-up themselves and would be a horrible partner even if you two were to get together, or you have a lot on your plate and juggling a relationship would be a horrible idea for both parties because you’re not ready to open up and be there for another person.
There’s all kinds of reasons why relationships don’t work or don’t start at all, but what you must keep in mind is to not bash the other person or force them to like you. You need to keep your head high and keep yourself intact. You may feel insecure, like no one ever likes you, or the people you like, don’t like you. But look for the lesson, why do these people not like you? Are they emotionally unavailable? Are they immature? Are they going through their own problems? Are you not their type? Are you really the best match for them?
I remember one guy liking me that was of Jewish faith, and I am clearly not. No way I would ever convert to Judaism. So, why did he bother to like me knowing that clearly that I would never be a match? You can’t expect to change the person you like and expect them to do things that are not of their core of being. If it’s not a match, then it’s ok, because there are LOTS of other people out there.
I had to move to find my match. I lived in LA for three years and knew I would never find a guy for the right relationship for me. Certainly, there’s love in LA, but for myself, the kinds of guys I was meeting were more obsessed with looks than what was inside, and I would clearly get looked over for hotter women. Even though I was in shape, I was clearly not the desired type of most guys there. And I honestly wanted a guy with more substance than what I was finding there. For me, moving was crucial to find the right type of person.
I could have stayed, and tried to make it work with someone, keep getting rejected or looked over. But what I did was really think about who I was and the partner I wanted and came to the conclusion that the partner I wanted wouldn’t live in that place.
But you may have to stop as ask yourself similar questions. Who’s a good partner for me? What do I really want? What do I need to do to BE a good partner?
Then you’ll realize, the rejection you’re facing is not because of your insecurities or whatever you feel inferior about, but that it’s not a good match and you’re looking in the wrong places or that you’re not ready to be a good partner yourself and you need to do some growing first.
New Year’s is coming soon, and I know you may be feeling the slight twinge of singlehood in the back of your head. Another year has gone by, and what you do plan to do next year?
If you plan on finding a girl, I’m going to give you some advice on how NOT to pick her up. That’s right, sometimes learning from your mistakes is the only way you can really find someone special.
Let’s start with the obvious:
1. Don’t try to pick up a girl on a bus, plane, train without striking up a mutual friendly conversation first.
One time, I saw a guy try to pick up a girl on the bus. Apparently they had seen each other before on the bus, and he was trying REALLY hard to get her to date him. This girl was hilarious, because she was frank with him and was like, you don’t even have a job and hitting on her on a bus was not her idea of a good time. Being REALLY persistent RIGHT away is a huge turn-off for women. Remember, women are usually pretty freaked out by strangers approaching them and she has no idea if you’re a serial killer or a teddy bear, but it’s in her best interest to protect herself from harm. So if you come off way aggressive, “hey baby, come out with me, etc. etc.” and pushing her, she’s going to run so fast the other way… think of laws of attraction, whatever is being chased WILL run away.
Instead, strike up a mutual, non-sexual conversation instead. Granted, it’s the hard part and you only have a few minutes to make a move before the next stop comes, but if you HAVE to hit on girls in transit places, maybe you need to chill out and reconsider why you need to hit on girls this way.
If you’re beyond just getting into a girl’s pants and you really find someone with a spark in a place like this, just talk to her, sit next to her and ask her a question. Now, respect her if she doesn’t want to talk to you. You can’t take everything so personally. She could have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, she could be in a weird place in her life, or she could just not like you. Whatever the case, don’t harass her into liking you and giving her number to you.
When you strike a friendly conversation, her walls can come down and the conversation flows normally and naturally. I HAVE seen a guy sitting across from a girl on BART (the subway for you non-Bay Area folk) and after a few stops, he ended up sitting right next to her and talking with her the rest of the ride home. He had game, he was friendly and wasn’t pushy at all. He wasn’t aggressive.
Remember Gentlemen, women are people and you have to play it cool.
On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, back off and let it go. Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone. Remember you do have some power in approaching girls. I know, personally, I would want to ask out guys but I had to refrain because then I would come off too strong, so I had to let guys come to me. You do have some power in picking girls, just remember that the right girl will say yes, and you only need ONE girl to find someone special.
It can be super scary for a girl if a guy is bothering her on the bus, in a plane or train when she can’t really escape, so respect her and be a gentleman, let it go and keep trucking.
2. Don’t make it all about yourself
You don’t need to sell yourself when talking to a girl. If you need to lead with your money or accomplishments to get a girl to like you, she is not a girl with substance that you want to date. Let me repeat that, if a girl you are talking to will only like you if you talk about what kind of car you have, what kind of job or how much money you make, walk away. Seriously, if you think women are ALL gold-diggers, guess what girls you’re going to attract? Gold-diggers. If you need to lead with your ego, your money, your accomplishments, you are attracting girls that are shallow. And that’s not what you want. You want a woman with something under the hood, and most importantly, someone who likes you for YOU.
So, don’t sell yourself. Don’t have a pitch. You’re not a salesman. Make yourself a little mysterious. Nothing is more boring than a person that talks all about themselves without asking the person they’re talking to without asking questions.
The best thing you can do is ask the girl questions. What does she like to do for fun? What are her hobbies? How many siblings does she have? Where does her family live? Let the girl talk and reciprocate the questions. Because if she’s interested, she WILL ask you questions back.
3. Don’t compliment TOO much
Don’t talk about how her eyes are gorgeous AND has beautiful hair AND has a banging body AND this AND that. Leave it to one or two compliments in the conversation at the MOST. Don’t make it super sexual either. Don’t tell her her ass is banging or her legs are super long. Too sexual too fast. If you want to sleep with her right away… then whatever, you’re gonna do what you want to do. But if you really want someone special, someone to stick around BE a GENTLEMAN. Keep the compliments sincere and minimal. Trust me, a girl will remember that ONE compliment. You don’t come across as desperate and you also are thoughtful. The perfect combo.
Ok, Gentlemen, you did good today. Tell me any questions you may have and your stories.
Today I’m going to walk you through how to buy a present for your girlfriend. Now, buying presents for a girl is completely different than what men usually want when they get a present.
Men usually want a present they can use: tools, BBQ sets, cookware, watches, shoes, etc. You guys like things that are functional, and when you’re looking down at the universal remote you use from your girlfriend, you smile and think what a great girlfriend she is.
But women, are different animals. Sometimes we hint at what we want, sometimes there’s no hint and you’re supposed to read her mind. Women want different things out of a present. We usually don’t want functional things as a present. Alas, in my view, I can buy some functional thing on my own, but from a boyfriend/husband, you want something sentimental and pretty. Either something with meaning to you two as a couple or something pretty that makes her look pretty or is pretty.
Girls don’t want the piece of jewelry EVERYONE else is getting because that doesn’t make HER feel special. This is where your sleuthing skills really need to kick into gear.
What does she like? Really ask yourself this before blindly running through the mall asking sales girls what they like. I remember working at Bath and Body Works one Christmas season when I was young and the men coming in for their wives and girlfriends were like shooting fish in a barrel. They had no idea what their significant other liked, so they just picked the most popular scent in a gift basket and called it a day. But after Christmas was over, guess who came in and returned the presents? The women who got it from their boyfriends because he didn’t know what she liked and exchanged for something she did like.
It’s not rocket science to find out what she likes, because she’ll probably show you or tell you. Is she into Etsy products? Does she like knitting? Is she into shoes? Movies? Video games? Dancing? Art?
One thing that’s always a great idea is an experience together. Take a painting class together, they have PaintNites over over the U.S. If she loves dancing, start taking Salsa classes together, if she likes cooking, do a cooking class together. Women love sharing experiences together as a couple.
They also want you to think about the present too. If she has a deep love of all things Anime and Totoro and you get her this rare stuffed animal that she didn’t even know about it, she’ll be totally happy and cherish the gift you gave her.
What I’m trying to say is keep in mind these things: get her something that shows you think of the details, something you two as a couple can share together, or something that makes HER feel special.
Although speakers for your home system sounds awesome, unless it’s something she’s asked for, she’s just going to assume it’s something for yourself and not her. Remember when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball? But it was really for him? Yeah, don’t do that.
I hope that helps you on a quest for the best present for your girl!
Today we’re gonna have some fun with romance books turned into movies and how they’re emulating through media. The Twilight movies were a hit amongst women, young and old. It wasn’t just for teenagers (I can attest to that!), but I’ve noticed strikingly similar themes between Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey that I wanted to point out to you guys. I’m not saying these themes are the end all of be all of how men should act towards women. No, some of these examples in real life AREN’T cool. Being obsessed with a girl and having no friends is not what healthy relationships are made of. This list is something interesting to look at as to what women fantasize about, but also what women shouldn’t really be liking when it comes to men, but ultimately, what is the core of what women want?
Let’s find out. Dust off your Twilight DVD and Fifty Shades of Grey paperbacks and let’s go on a journey…
1. The main male characters are utterly obsessed with the female main characters. Like “can’t-stop-thinking-about-her-crazy-stalker” obsessed.
Why do these men constantly think of the female characters? Women can obsess about men. Sorry, we do. We wonder when you’re gonna call us in the early stages of dating and thinking about guys is fun. What’s appealing to Twilight and FSOG is that these guys think about these girls all the time. They want to be around her and in a way, “control” her. Edward from Twilight is always “watching” Bella. Even when she can’t see him, he has an eye on her. That’s way stalkerish. There’s a fine line that can easily be crossed when a guy is “watching” a girl all the time. I guess it’s welcome when the girl LIKES the guy, but in REAL LIFE, that’s still a bit crazy to have a guy constantly know where you are. In Fifty Shades of Grey, Mr. Christian Grey likes to literally “control” his women. In the bedroom. But, he also likes to control where Anna works, and what she drives… and wears… Yeah, no. This is not flattering and your partner is not your father. Women don’t like to be told what to do, or what to wear, etc.
To Be or Not to Be:Not to be. Don’t obsess about your girl to the point that you want to control her. In real life, these fantasies cannot work. Let the girl be herself, do her own thing, but tell her that you think of her and miss her when she’s not around.
2. The main male characters have no friends…
Not only are Edward and Mr. Grey completely obsessed with their love interests respectively, they don’t really hang out with “the guys”. I can see on one hand this is appealing to most girls, and on the other hand, how this is very unhealthy for relationships. C’mon, girls, you know a “night out with the guys” could entail one of the single guys to enlist his friends to be his wingmen to get a girl. So, a guy going out with only guys could mean trouble, if they’re hitting on girls, drinking, partying, that kind of thing. Or maybe they all sit and watch football every Sunday and play videogames until the wee hours of the night. These behaviors aren’t too appealing to women (except if she’s just as into video games, Monday Night Football and helping your boys score), so, just eliminating that prospect all together is more romantic to women. They just want the guy to be focused on them, instead of ditching them for their nerdy friends for a weekend at Comic Con. Oh the horror!
But as much as a girl would love to get rid of her boyfriend’s douche friends, it’s quite important he HAS friends. It’s completely unhealthy to not have a social life outside of your love life. So, make friends, keep boys’ night a mystery to your girlfriend. Don’t do stupid things when your girl isn’t around.
The bottom line: Girls would love for men to get rid of their dumb friends, but guys, keep your friends. This is real life, not a movie.
3. They’re both young, rich, white and can fly.
I always thought Twilight was a little racist. Bella picked Edward, this rich, white dude, over Jacob, her best friend who was Native American and no where nearly as rich as Edward. Jacob was at least warm-blooded. Oh yeah, and if you’re a vampire, you’re gonna save a TON of money not eating food. Of course you’re gonna be loaded when you don’t eat food.
But besides the point, Edward doesn’t technically fly as he can jump like, up a huge tree. He’s supposed to be “17” but technically is like a hundred and something. But hey, plastic surgery and botox can do miracles.
Mr. Grey, he’s in his 20s, filthy rich, white and he flies his own helicopter. Anna doesn’t care that he can buy her clothes or a car, and insists that he doesn’t. Because she’s independent, you know. But he still buys her stuff and she accepts grudgingly. I totally HATE when guys buy me cars!
Bella and Anna insist that they love the man for who they are despite being a vampire/rich/good-looking. But those things do help.
Unfortunately, in America, this is the stereotype of the ideal male. Don’t throw rocks at me, because we ALL know the ideal woman. It’s thrown in our faces every day at the supermarkets. But these movies depict this stereotype of what women want.
It’s not all true, though. Being rich, young and non-prejudiced isn’t what ALL women want. Everyone wants something different. As beauty may not be your top priority when it comes to dating women, riches may not be their top priority either. Remember, these books/movies are stereotypes of a fantasy, and this example is pretty ridiculous. Don’t change yourself to try to be someone else’s ideal.
Besides, I was Team Jacob anyways.
4. They both want to hurt their loves but restrain themselves
This one is the most disturbing trait of all. Edward is a vampire, and like all vampires, he likes human blood. But he’s a “vegetarian” and doesn’t drink human blood. But, Bella, she’s so desirable… so he’s always fighting the urge to HURT her. He resists a few times, and gives her a few bruises another time. But it’s weird.
And Mr. Grey, well, that’s the whole S&M thing where he wants to dominate Anna, but he tries to be nice with her and not hurt her.
It’s disturbing how domestic violence has seeped into mainstream literature in a disguised way. These guys don’t get angry and want to beat up their girlfriends. But there is a level of fear these women have towards the men. Knowing that the men are strong enough to hurt them.
Women are afraid of men. We’re afraid that when we go on an online date, we’ll get kidnapped and be never seen again. I know women that won’t go online dating for this reason. Sometimes you never know who you’re dating, if they’re creepy and a serial killer. Who knows? I think these books/movies play into that fear of women. Kind of like a horror movie. We watch horror movies to deal with our own lives. Dating’s scary? Watch Fifty Shades of Grey.
This is quite a difficult topic, and there are definitely no clear lines drawn as to if this is a depiction of domestic violence to, just something kinky.
Just remember, guys, dating is not only difficult, but kinda scary sometimes to women. They’re afraid of getting hurt in more ways than one. We’re not terrified of men, but there are certain precautions ALL women have to take to protect themselves. That’s why, taking things slowly, is always the best way to start dating. Take your time so you both can trust each other.
5. They act like refined, sophisticated, mysterious gentlemen
There’s a scene in the first Twilight movie that really stuck out to me, and that I feel like embodies how most women would like to view their potential mate. There’s a scene where Bella is having lunch with her dad and the high school boys are outside the restaurant window, acting crazy. They’re in the windows, shaking their butts (this was before twerking), laughing, being loud, etc. Bella’s dad asks her if she likes any of those boys. She’s like, hell no. Haha. Of course not. And whenever Edward walks in, he’s quiet, mysterious, and doesn’t make an ass out of himself.
Same with Mr. Grey. He’s the businessman, and the vision of mystery. I read the 2nd book in the series and I still dunno what his deal is. WHY IS HE TORTURED??? WHY??? Mr. Grey acts professional, doesn’t blab about anything and gets stuff done.
Both of these men, even though they’re tortured and weird and all that, act like gentlemen. They don’t act super goofy and weird. They act very sophisticated and they’re mysterious because they don’t talk too much about themselves.
Here’s tips you should walk away with: When first dating a girl, this is the most mysterious you will ever be to her in a relationship. Before farting becomes the norm when you’re living together. Try to remain as mysterious as long as you can! Be honest about yourself, but there is absolutely no need to divulge your whole family history, your day-to-day work and all your favorite movies all in one go. Get to know her slowly, as your date will get to know you slowly. If you’re a funny guy, by all means, be funny. But act like a gentleman, open doors, pull out her chair. Your date WILL notice. Be chivalrous. Take tips from these men on how to present yourself. Dress well for your date. Cut your hair and trim your beard. Looking on point always helps.
Phew! That was a lot! We’ll see how these Fifty Shades of Grey movies pan out. These books have captivated the nation, if not the world, so there’s something going on here, and these men are very similar. They do play to certain female fantasies, but, not all fantasies play well in real life. Another thing I also noticed is that they both tilt their heads down and look up. Look at all the above pictures, they’re all doing the same pose. Just for kicks, try that out in a club. You could look super sexy, or super scary. See if it works! Hah!
Key Takeaways: Don’t give up your friends, don’t change who you are and be respectful of women. Dating is scary in more ways than one for women. Remember to act like a gentlemen, reveal yourself slowly and treat her like a lady.
If you’re new to online dating or even a seasoned pro, picking the right dating website for you can be confusing. Should you pay? Does free online dating sites mean no one’s serious? It is difficult and above dating sites, I still recommend starting the dating process in person (from first meeting, to asking out on date, to first date, etc) because a bit of romance is killed when you meet someone online and then they have to match your expectations of their profile to real life. Which, can be disappointing and almost impossible to predict the outcome, although online dating CAN work for people and I know personally real life stories that resulted in long relationships and marriage.
Through my experience, both literally with using dating sites and through literature that I’ve read on the topic, I have a lot of opinions on which dating sites to use and how to use them.
First, what are your expectations? Are you looking to find the love of your life or are you out to see what fish are in the dating pond? Are you looking for a hook-up or are you really looking for something real?
Remember that this is one of the ways to meet new women. Don’t give up meeting women in person, but online dating can expand your dating pool and if you’re rusty on going out on a first date, will help you get more experience in meeting women.
There are paying and non-paying websites to use and apps. They can change a lot. People will say that paying for an online dating site means you’re serious into finding a relationship. With that kind of mindset, it is tempting to go for a paying online dating service like EHarmony, Match.com and HowAboutWe.com. I remember signing up for EHarmony.com and got rejected as one of the few percent they couldn’t match, so I can’t tell you how they work (hah!) but I’m kind of glad I didn’t use their website (think you rejected me? Well I reject you 😛 ). I think if you want to try a paying online dating site, don’t pay more than for 3 months. The unfortunate thing is that there are a lot of “dummy” profiles. Meaning, people sign up for a free profile then never sign back on, or stories of fake profiles being promoted that people don’t even use anymore. These are to tempt you into thinking there are lots of fish in the sea, but sometimes there’s not as many active users as you would like.
There are active users on these sites, and generally, yes, they’re more serious into finding a relationship since they’re paying. BUT, since you’re paying doesn’t mean you’re getting a better experience than a non-paying site. Because you can go on a lot of dates from a non-paying site and the plus- you don’t have to pay!
So, again, try Match.com and HowABoutWe and other paying online dating sites if you’re very serious about finding someone special, but also remember if you’re not successful in finding people who answer back to your messages or even if you do find a date, it’s not always better than non-paying sites.
Non-paying sites I’ve used are OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. I actually know people who’ve had long term relationships (and are still dating!) from these sites. So, saying non-paying sites that people aren’t serious isn’t true. It’s just that in addition to serious applicants, you have to sift through a lot of other people who are looking to hook up. So, hey, if you’re looking for a rebounding, sad person, they’re abound here! But seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many guys just wanted a f*** buddy on OkCupid because they JUST broke up with their long-term girlfriends and (in every SINGLE case) she was crazy and they were heartbroken. So, they didn’t want to touch a “serious relationship” with a ten-foot pole.
Now that I got that out of me, phew! There are a lot of people who are looking for something serious and DO use non-paying dating sites. Try different sites and the cool thing with a lot of these dating sites is their phone apps. There’s location-based apps, which I think everyone should try, where you can just meet someone right away for a date who’s close by you.
The good thing about dating location apps, is if you by-pass the process of judging someone by their profile, you can find out right away if the person you’re talking to, really click in person. And the Number One reason why I advocate for meeting people in real life as opposed to online is that you can’t know if you have chemistry with a person until you meet them face to face. So, you could chat with messages until the cows come home, you can chat on the phone, scrutinize their profiles, but it means NOTHING until you’ve met in person. They could be totally witty in their messages and then clam up once you meet in person.
So, don’t judge TOO harshly on pictures and profiles and don’t worry so much about having the perfect profile. Keep your profile short and sweet. Keep things 2-3 sentences for each section. Don’t write a novel, but also don’t write, “Um, I dunno how to describe myself…” You need to put in some effort and describe yourself, but also know that a profile really doesn’t mean anything until you meet someone in person. You can’t recreate chemistry online. So, the faster you meet someone in person, the faster you know if there’s any chemistry between you two. Also, be mindful that you don’t want to rush a girl to meet in person too. Talking for two-three days with consistant messaging every day is a natural timeframe to ask someone out for coffee.
So, you got your online profile, make sure that your pictures show your face, don’t hide your identity. When you do ask someone out for a date, keep the date short, happy hour drinks, coffee, etc. If you’re REALLY digging the girl, ask her out for dinner. The nice thing about a dinner date is that you have time to really get to know each other. Although it’s tough when you’ve never met in person before, so I say pull out this card if you really have a feeling it’ll work out well between you two.
I never officially counted how many first online dates I’ve been on. I want to say around 30. Yeah, I know, that’s a LOT of first dates. And out of those dates, I’d say about three of them lasted for 2-4 dates. There are some people who meet their “one” right away, so everyone is different. Why was my 1st date success so low? Why wasn’t I getting a second date, but most importantly, why did I refuse a second date?
Don’t call me entirely picky. Women are labeled picky, but in our defense, we have to be, amIright? But seriously, women have to filter out the bad guys to get a good one. I’d have to say the majority of these first dates that didn’t work out, was because there was no chemistry. Sometimes on my end, and sometimes on their end. I’ve had a range of experiences to a guy wanting a one night stand (no… that’s not what I was looking for…) and one that ended dinner early because he couldn’t get away from me fast enough (and I didn’t care for him either, so whatever!).
After so many dates, you can’t get so offended if someone doesn’t like you. There’s a variety of reasons why things work out and why they don’t, but you can’t get hung up over it.Everyone is different. A few times I went on dates, the guys did NOT look like their photos, so it was awkward to expect a curly blond guy and meet a bald man for a first date. Already we’re not being honest here…
And I’m saying I’m not the most pickest of girls, but I do know what I want. Not everyone knows what they want, so when it comes to online dating, knowing what you want will help big time.
You have to look at online dating like a numbers game, or winning the lottery. Sometimes, it’ll just work out, and you’ll be the right match, and sometimes you’ll get a dud. If your date is offensive or rude, don’t keep seeing them. Don’t get mad at someone if they don’t like you the same way. Although my advice to men dating women online, is to take things slow, don’t rush a date or the relationship if you really want to see a future with the girl. Even though some romance is replaced with a profile, make sure to suprise your date, do something small and romantic, to make the date memorable.
Here’s some final advice to sum things up.
– Don’t take things too personally if a date doesn’t work out.
– Try different dating websites to see what works for you.
– Even though online dating is a numbers game, do be thoughtful to your dates and in your messages.
– Be as honest as possible: use current photos in your profile, don’t make up your profile.
– Don’t say too much in your profile, leave some mystery for the date!
– Paying for online dating doesn’t always mean a better experience.
– Don’t give up on trying to meet someone in real life, use online dating as an additional supplement to your real life.
– Do try to see the person from online in person as soon as you can. Don’t rush the girl, but remember that online or over the phone chemistry is vastly different from in person chemistry.
What is your experience with online dating? Any questions for the next post?
Today we’re going to dive into how to talk to women. Please put your phones down, and pay attention, because while you may be busy using Tinder to meet the ladies, you’re missing all the REAL women walking right in front of you.
While online dating is super tempting, (you can meet girls that ALSO liked your pic!), it’s very time consuming. Think about it, how many minutes, hours, days or even months have you been looking for a girl? Sometimes it takes years of dating to meet someone you somewhat click with, but it’s a lot of time looking through profiles, messaging back and forth to only meet someone in person and find out right away that you don’t want to spend the rest of the date with… and it’s back to ground zero.
In reference to my previous post on finding a date in San Francisco for men,this article from SF Gate has popped up on how in San Francisco, women aren’t being approached or flirted with and they have to rely on technology to get a date.
So, gentlemen, we’re going to discuss today on how to talk to women in real life. For realz.
Some of the best conversational advice I’d ever seen was from Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and I will share that wisdom with you. Even though the title seems manipulative, I assure you, the book has no manipulation techniques, only common sense guidelines that have stood the test of time, written back in 1937, these techniques will not only help you with talking with people in general, but also improve your relationships but also help you with your career.
According to Carnegie, one of the best ways to be a great conversationalist is to be a great listener. most people love to talk and rarely do people really feel like they get “heard”. People are brimming with stories, case in point, the lovely lady you’re eyeing. Upon meeting someone, the best way to engage someone is finding out about that person. So, first:
You Must Be Interested
This doesn’t mean only being interested in the person, duh, you’re totally into that hottie; but be “interested” in what they do, who they are, their hobbies, etc. When you find out that someone likes sailing, or playing video games, or riding horses, you can connect with someone who also enjoys the same thing or lets them share that joy with you. I remember in past dating experiences, I could tell a guy REALLY liked me if he kept asking me questions about my work and what I did in my spare time, and for me, these guys stuck out the most. I liked them! I liked a guy would was “curious” about who I was and just wasn’t making small talk. They were interested in what make me tick.
You don’t need to have a bunch of one-liners, jokes or stories to hook in a girl. You just need to ask questions to keep the conversation going. Be careful of sounding like an interviewer, don’t go into the date with more than three prepared questions. It’ll sound way too automated. Let the conversation flow naturally by asking questions to keep things going. If she’s talking about ballet classes she took while she was a kid, where were the classes? Does she still continue ballet? Are there other kinds of dancing she likes? With any luck, you can have a long conversation and learn a lot about the girl which just asking the questions and she’ll feel glad to finally have someone to really listen to her.
It doesn’t take a lot of story-telling to be a great conversationalist, just genuine interest in the person you’re talking to. Refrain from talking about yourself too much, but get to know the girl and ask her questions so you can find out more. Don’t be an interviewer with repeated questions, but let the conversation continue and flow.
Gentlemen, no need to fly women over from the East Coast to get dates!
Here’s what’s going on in our beloved Fog Town, techies and tech companies are coming into droves into San Francisco, rental prices are soaring, the SOMA is being flooded with young tech guys. Lunch time in the city you’ll see droves of 20/30-something men in their t-shirts, hoodies and sneakers flocking to Sushirrito or the closest food truck. A lot of these tech companies are dominated by men, so finding a woman to date in the workplace is difficult, and the local hang-outs in the SOMA are filled with men.
There are lots of single women here in San Francisco, but you need to diversify and change your habits on finding these lovely ladies.
First off, avoid the SOMA and Financial District. This is where you work, but don’t play here. There are tons of other men hanging out here, so you need to spread and conquer, but not where you work.
San Francisco has lots of Farmer’s Markets, Saturdays at the Ferry Building has a wonderful Farmer’s Market, Divisadero and Clement street also have Farmer’s Markets where a lot of people are hanging out, trying out new food and there are lots of locals. Check out one of these low-key hangs to bump into a local SF lady.
Hanging out in the trendy Mission, you can’t help but stop by Dolores Park. Grab some drinks, and a couple of friends (don’t bring a ton! Just a couple!) bring a blanket and hang out when the sun is out. There are tons of people there. If you really want to get creative, bring your dog or a musical instrument and your dog or your music will no doubt get people to walk by and talk to you. Also check out the Painted Ladies at Alamo Square Park and there will be a lot of low-key locals hanging out.
Check out MeetUp.com to find social groups you’d like to enjoy. The local Kickball leagues have lots of events and even bar-crawls. Find a group to join that also likes going to museums, playing games, something you’ve never done before. You’ll never meet anyone new if you don’t do anything new.
Also check out FunCheapSF.com, they have fun events in San Francisco and around the Bay Area to join. You’ll know what the top events around the Bay are, and getting out there and being social while having fun is a great way to meet a local lady.
Bar-Hopping in the Marina/Polk Street/Hayes Valley
Yeah, meeting a girl at a bar isn’t the most IDEAL place to meet a woman, but you will definitely get to meet women, and if it isn’t a match, it’s great to expand your social circle. Bar-hopping is usually the best on Polk Street, where you can just stroll down the street. It can be packed on weekends, so prepare. The Marina District has a lot of bars, dancing and restaurants. Hayes Valley also has some awesome bars, check out Smuggler’s Cove if you’re looking for rum and a pirate theme.
Take a Class/Bike Ride
Painting parties are popping up around the Bay Area, check out Paint Nite and get creative by drinking and painting a piece. Girls love these kinds of events and bring their friends, so a great way to meet someone. Also bike riding is big in the Bay check out the San Francisco Bicycle Coalition for events.
See a Live Show
Support for local live music scene and also potentially meet a girl! There are lots of venues in SF. Lost Church, The Fillmore, Slim’s, Bottom of the Hill and many others out there. Unfortunately Red Devil Lounge and Cafe Du Nord are closed, but should be opening up with new owners and renovations. These music venues are great places to meet locals and have fun while supporting San Francisco’s artistic community.
There are so many places to meet people in San Francisco and so many events yearly that flying in someone from out of town just wouldn’t work. Why find a girl so far away when there are so many here doing so many cool things?
Where are your top places to meet women in San Francisco? Comment below.
Today we are going to talk about how a woman flirts and if she’s into you, and the reasons why she isn’t into you.
Let’s be pretty clear from the get-go, if a girl you meet at a house party, social event, twitter, etc. is talking to you, it doesn’t automatically mean she loves you and wants to have your babies.
Case in point:
One time I was at a friend’s house party, where I met a guy for the first time. He was nice enough, we talked about movies or something, I have no idea, and other people were talking to us. This guy and I weren’t alone together, I wasn’t even standing close to him and we were in an open space talking to other people. He was asking about my music career and I gave him my card. Just friendly chatting. He then later added me on Facebook, and chatted with me then proceeded to ask me for dinner.
I declined, as nicely as I could, and it all ended there.
I see how it can be hard for guys to see what went wrong here, but just to clarify, just because someone of the opposite sex is talking to you, doesn’t mean she likes you. Here’s how he could have seen I was not interested.
The Ways a Girl Flirts
1) Touch – When a girl is interested, she usually gravitates toward a guy. She’ll stand closer to him, she’ll laugh and touch his shoulder, she’ll do what she can to be in his bubble. She’ll touch his knee, etc. If a girl is standing far away from you, and not even attempting to touch you and looks like her body is positioned away from you while she’s talking, see where her body is positioned, because that’s what’s she’s more interested in (i.e. the fruit punch or the lesbian chick on the other side of the room).
2) Teasing – What a great way to flirt. When you engage in teasing of the opposite sex, it’s a safe way to test the waters and see how someone is attracted to you. If you’re laughing, teasing and you two grativate closer, it’s a very easy way to see how someone reacts to you. If the girl isn’t too interested, she probably won’t tease too much back, and won’t draw in closer to you.
3) Compliments – A girl will start complimenting a guy or show interest in what he does. Although, showing interest can be VERY tricky. Asking someone about their job and where they live is very platonic, and even though a girl can ask about these things, it can go both ways, she can very well be acting friendly and interested. How do you know she’s INTERESTED? She’ll probably start asking about your hobbies, what you do in your spare time. She’ll also engage in talking about other subjects: dating, what she’s doing on the weekend, movies, etc. The conversation can be a tricky place to gauge how much a girl likes you, so you have to look into Rules 1 and 2, if the conversation turns into teasing, and light touching, flirting is definitely in effect and the girl is interested in you.
4) Body Language – How the girl carries herself is telling as well. Is she touching her hair? Is her body facing yours? Is she smiling? Are her palms facing up? Is her head off to one side? To show interest, cocking your head to the side is a common signal. If a girl also lifts her arm, say to scratch the back of her head and exposes the underarm, this is a vunerable sign, meaning she is able to be vunerable around you. If she is standing with arms crossed, several feet away from you and her body is positioned to somewhere else in the room, I’d say it’s a fair guess she is not interested in you. Grooming is a typical sign a girl is interested, playing with hair, smoothing out clothes are common flirting signals.
So, what did we learn today, Gentlemen? Now you can refer to the previous example and see how I was NOT interested in the guy. I didn’t tease or compliment the guy. I didn’t get closer to him or show any flirting signals. I was just being polite and chatty. Girls talk, they’re polite and we’re brought up to be that way. Don’t get mad at us if you can’t read the signals. Just learn for next time, and it’ll be so clear when a girl IS into you. Girls also like to have male friendships. If she’s not really showing signs of attraction, she probably just wants to be a friend.
And there is the wild card… *when a girl doesn’t want you to know she likes you. Those situations, tread lightly and with more friendship and time, you will be able to see her true colors. And hey, great relationships take time, so take your time too when it comes to flirting.
*A lot of you guys have been commenting on the Wild Card, when a girl likes you but doesn’t want to show it, check out this post to find out more.
1. The act of creeping; a creeping motion or progress.
2. Slang An annoyingly unpleasant or repulsive person.
3. A slow flow of metal when under high temperature or great pressure.
4. A slow change in a characteristic of electronic equipment, such as a decrease in power with continued usage.
5. Geology The slow movement of rock debris and soil down a weathered slope.
6. creeps Informal A sensation of fear or repugnance, as if things were crawling on one’s skin: That house gives me the creeps.
Let’s dissect point number two, “an annoyingly unpleasant or repulsive person”. This is what you come across, gentlemen, when you approach a girl unwantingly.
Every girl has grown up with catcalls from the local gardener, or a group of guys staring at her when she walks by. Whenever a girl goes into a club, there’s always a chance a body part of hers will be grabbed. There are guys that geuninely are creepers, losers of society that can’t get a date because they’re so weird and creepy.
But normal guys, can turn into creepers unwittingly. If they lose their confidence in dating, if they act dumb when talking to a girl. Check out the movie, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. The whole movie starts off with Dale talking to a girl and acting so creepy that the girl and her college friends automatically assume he’s a serial killer with his awkwardness. Now, this movie is an extreme example… well, maybe not. Girls do have to watch out for their own safety, and if you come across as a reclusive loser, she’s not going to want to look at you, let alone date you.
So, Ted Bundy, what to do with you?
How Not to be a Creep
1. Have confidence.
Confidence is always king. Confidence excudes from within by the manner in which you speak, hold yourself up, and how you respect others around you. Check your posture right now. Are you slouched over? Are you holding your head up high? How do you speak to others? Are you quiet and meek? Or do you speak clearly and with power? How do you respect others? Are you scowling and bitching to your co-workers and peers or are you generous with a smile? Confident men hold themselves tall by standing straight, looking at a person in the eyes while talking, using their name, being polite and speaking with purpose. A creep is hunched over, mumbling to his make-believe friends and staring at girls when no one is talking to him.
2. Get a Life
Following Step 1 is Confidence, Step 2 is Get a Life. You get confidence with being proud of who you are and what you do. Are you happy with your job? Your weight? Your social life? Do you love your friends? Your family? Do you have a purpose to fulfill in this world? You need to heed your calling and follow it. Be a man, do your job well, treat others with respect. Look at Superman. He’s confident, because he knows he’s strong, can beat up anyone and can fly. Well, you can’t fly, but you can be confident in your abilities and your strengths. You’re busy fighting the good fight, saving the world, doing Zumba, whatever you do, be proud of it and do it well.
3. Don’t wallow in your misery
Don’t be like the Garbage singer and proclaim, “I’m only happy when it rains”. Don’t be that guy that looks on the bad side of life. Strong men are positive, not negative nancies. You sissy. No, you’re a strong man, you believe you will live life to the fullest and get the girl… but you only get the girl when you’re a complete man yourself. If you’re a mess and expect the girl to clean up after you… well, it’s only going to fall apart. With your clothes being thrown out of the third floor window because you, “are a stinking loser, you jerk”. Yep, that’s what your future girlfriend will say. Avoid that by being positive. Smile. Don’t approach to a girl by going up to her and staring at her while making her uncomfortable. No, you’re better than that. You don’t say cheesy pick up lines, you are yourself, because you’re cool, damnit.
4. Respect the Girl
Girls are not aliens. I know we look different, and we are not obsessed with Call of Duty (ok, maybe there are some girls that are, but I don’t know of any, and good for them, girls rule!) Girls are people, just like you, and like to talk about… stuff. They like to have fun, and they are attracted to men who groom themselves well and know how to carry a conversation. They don’t like guys grabbing them unwantingly or staring at them from the other side of the dance floor. Or dropping their jaws when she walks by. If you hold your composure when other guys can’t, you’re already ahead of the pack. You not unfazed by that beautiful girl, no. You know her mind is different from her striking eyes and she wants to be listened to and engaged in good conversation.
So, men, heed my advice, and try not to creep. 🙂 You’ll be just fine.
There is something alluring about a bad girl. Something about how she doesn’t want to bend over your every beck and call and she’s challenging, a mind of her own.
But there’s a difference between a bad girl, and a spoiled brat.
Even then, both aren’t great for you, a lot of guys mistake the spoiled brat as some challenging, bad girl, when really, nothing satisfies her, she’s very negative and you’ll have to live with nagging for the rest of your life if you choose to be with her.
See? Not really alluring anymore, right?
Meanwhile, the good girls are sitting at home, wondering why guys aren’t calling her back… and you totally overlooked her thinking she wasn’t challenging enough and she was boring. Big mistake.
Yes, there are nice girls that are boring and never do anything fun, but there are a lot of good girls out there that are a lot of fun, but you’re too busy chasing the bad ones to even notice anything good.
There are a lot of bad girls who like to play the field, date multiple guys and get you entangled in their web. These girls are called:
The Black Widow: She probably has a boyfriend and likes to complain to you about how horrible he is. She may go out with you and do more, but she still can’t leave her loser, rockband, messy hair, doofus boyfriend and you hope if you just hold out long enough, you may grab her admiration by being the puppy loser you are, she’ll realize that you’re way hotter than her idiot boyfriend. Sorry to break it to ya honey, but she ain’t ever leaving that boy, and you’re the sad sap picking up your broken heart all over the floor. She’s the Black Widow, because she sucks the life out of you, and you don’t even have her as a girlfriend. Weaksauce.
The Bachelorette: Everyone’s telling you this girl is bad, bad, bad, but not in a good way. She doesn’t get along with other girls, she whines but she knows how to stroke your ego and make you feel like a big man on campus. She’s manipulative, she’s the girl in EVERY single season of The Bachelor. They pick this girl on purpose to mess with all the other girls and seduce the guy, and he unwittingly falls for her smokescreen. The reason she’s challenging and alluring??? She’s a total brat! It’s not that she’s independent and knows what she wants, she’s COMPLETELY insecure, she doesn’t know how to not get what she wants and doesn’t handle life gracefully at all. Her not being satisfied doesn’t mean she has excellent taste, it means nothing does ever satisfy her and she’s totally negative and if you stick with her, you got someone who will complain at everything and never be happy. Totally sucks for you, dude. (For visual examples, check out episodes from the last season of The Bachelor, yep, her name is Tierra “The Eyebrow”)
The Tease: You just met her, and right away she’s sitting on your lap. She’s talking to you in a very familar way, perhaps stroking your big arms, then she leaps up and trotts away. Thing is, she’s like this with ALL men, and you’re not the lucky one. The Tease loves attention, even when she doesn’t like the guy at all, she wants all men to find her desirable, because, guess what? She’s insecure, so to get her jollies, she will flirt with any male, even a cat, to show her dominance over men. The Tease is very noticable when you don’t even really know her last name and she’s already breathing down your neck. Next.
These bad girls are alluring because they flatter your ego, big time. They make you feel like a big man and they manipulate very well. The way to catch a bad girl is to notice how she first acts with you, if she’s throwing herself at you right away, if she talks about her loser boyfriend and complains, or if she complains about where you go out to dinner, how girls don’t like her, and nothing seems to make her happy, but you… run far, far away.
Because if you do snag on of these bad girls, may be fun for a little bit, but you just snagged a really negative, insecure person. There’s lots of good girls out there that don’t complain about any inconvenience in life, who are secure about who they are and are happy with life.
A good girl will have a life going on, she will have many girlfriends, she knows how to take the hard knocks in life, and she is very interesting… but you will have to get to know her to find that out.
Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA from this blog, please write any questions, comments on my blog and this will help me with future blog topics. Help me, help you!