Cheaters Anonymous

Hello Gentlemen,

Long time, no chat. Thanks for checking out this blog, even though I haven’t been as active, this blog is still getting a lot of views, so it encourages me to continue writing in here. As always, any questions you have about dating, or any stories you’d like to share, please comment on any of these posts and I will get back to you.

Let’s talk about cheating today. Not a pleasant topic and for the one being cheated on, it can break a person knowing the person you love is well, loving someone else.

I’m going to talk about both angles of cheating. I’ve been cheated on before, and it made me insecure in subsequent relationships where I thought guys would always do that to me. I felt foolish. I also thought about cheating once and I realized that it wasn’t worth it to cheat.

Why is it not worth it to cheat? I know it’s tempting to dip one foot into the pool and get the best of both worlds, but no one really deserves to be cheated on. Even if that person is a jerk, they don’t deserve it. You can rationalize away why you should cheat, you’re not getting enough attention, they don’t listen to you, etc. If that’s the case, you need to make clear to that person that they’re driving you away and ruining your relationship.

You also need to be prepared to walk away from that relationship if you are looking to cheat. The minute you start omitting that you have a significant other and start flirting with other people and hanging out with them alone, you know you’re jumping into dangerous territory.

If you’re really that insecure to be alone that you need to cheat because you don’t know what you want, you REALLY need to be alone. You need to step away from your current relationship and be single for a bit before jumping into something new.

You know what I notice in men? That they jump to relationship to relationship awfully quickly, even when they’re not over their ex.

I went on a first date once where the guy couldn’t stop talking about his bad ex-girlfriend. Then a few days after the date he texted me that he still wasn’t over his ex. Yeah, no duh. Of course.

Also, ask yourself, why are you cheating? Not getting what you want out of the relationship? Then ask for it. And if you will never get what you want out of the relationship, the door is over there and you can see yourself out. Be an adult and break up, then pursue something new. Because if you cheat on someone with someone else, that other person will always wonder if you’re going to do them wrong the same way…

And you kind of just broke your trust with that new relationship too. You’ve shown that person that you can sneak around to find what you want.

If you have been cheated on, that can be rough. You start to doubt yourself in relationships and wonder if anyone really likes you for you, or is just looking around the corner for something new.

If you’re in a relationship right now where you can’t trust the person, ask yourself these few questions:

1. How new is this relationship?

If you’ve just started to date this person for a month and they’ve shown you no reason to be jealous, then try your darnest not to be the green-eyed monster, because the minute you start trying to control someone else, you’re breaking that relationship and the only thing you need to control is yourself. YES, YOURSELF. You cannot control another human being, you can only control your own emotions. I’ve seen couples living with each other and the guy could not stop being jealous and accusing his girlfriend of trying to date other guys and attracting attention. You know what happened? She broke up with him because he could never trust her. Don’t be that guy.

2. Has it been 6 months and you still can’t trust your S.O.?

If it’s been several months/years and you still can’t trust the person you’ve been dating, you’re settling for low standards. Yes, you are settling because you think you don’t deserve better. After a few months if you can’t trust that person and you think that every good looking person that walks in the door is grabbing the attention of your honey bunny, you got a big problem. The answer is you’re being WAY too jealous, or that person is really looking for other people. There is no good way to change yourself or them at that point and you really need to leave that relationship. Because you are never going to trust them and years will go by and that will suck ass. Seriously. Been there, done that. I was in a relationship where I couldn’t trust the guy at all. I just KNEW something was wrong. And then the day we broke up (because we kept fighting and I couldn’t trust him) he left me a big bombshell revelation. I can’t repeat, but lets say that he was living a lie to most people in his life and they had no idea what kind of secret he was holding in around everyone. It was bad and he was a jerk and my gut instinct was true. He was not an honest person, and that’s why I couldn’t trust him for the life of me.

So again, if you’ve been with someone for ages and you’re still jealous. Either you’re crazy or you’re right, and both results are bad. You need to leave that relationship and raise your standards.

Because you can find someone that you trust. I’m with someone now that I trust. One day we were at a party and a super cute, younger girl went up to my man and started hitting on him. You know what I did? Nothing, I went back to doing whatever I was doing because I knew he would handle it. He did. The girl came over to me and asked who my boyfriend was. I pointed over to the guy she just tried to hit on. She really wanted to know if he was taken. My point is, I trusted him enough because I trusted us. I knew that our relationship was strong enough that a younger, cuter girl than me wouldn’t phase him at all. Because our relationship is unique and we’re happy with each other.

If that was several years ago, I would have lost my shit because I didn’t trust guys, I just kept thinking they would try to get someone better than me. I was single, did my time and confident in myself and my relationships that that kind of thing doesn’t worry me at all.

You can be like that too. So, don’t lower your standards. If something ain’t right, walk away and have dignity. Don’t do people wrong. It will come back to you in your next relationships.

Until next time.

 

 

 

How to Not Hit on a Girl

Hello Gentlemen,

New Year’s is coming soon, and I know you may be feeling the slight twinge of singlehood in the back of your head. Another year has gone by, and what you do plan to do next year?

If you plan on finding a girl, I’m going to give you some advice on how NOT to pick her up. That’s right, sometimes learning from your mistakes is the only way you can really find someone special.

Let’s start with the obvious:

1.  Don’t try to pick up a girl on a bus, plane, train without striking up a mutual friendly conversation first.

One time, I saw a guy try to pick up a girl on the bus. Apparently they had seen each other before on the bus, and he was trying REALLY hard to get her to date him. This girl was hilarious, because she was frank with him and was like, you don’t even have a job and hitting on her on a bus was not her idea of a good time. Being REALLY persistent RIGHT away is a huge turn-off for women. Remember, women are usually pretty freaked out by strangers approaching them and she has no idea if you’re a serial killer or a teddy bear, but it’s in her best interest to protect herself from harm. So if you come off way aggressive, “hey baby, come out with me, etc. etc.” and pushing her, she’s going to run so fast the other way… think of laws of attraction, whatever is being chased WILL run away.

Instead, strike up a mutual, non-sexual conversation instead. Granted, it’s the hard part and you only have a few minutes to make a move before the next stop comes, but if you HAVE to hit on girls in transit places, maybe you need to chill out and reconsider why you need to hit on girls this way.

If you’re beyond just getting into a girl’s pants and you really find someone with a spark in a place like this, just talk to her, sit next to her and ask her a question. Now, respect her if she doesn’t want to talk to you. You can’t take everything so personally. She could have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, she could be in a weird place in her life, or she could just not like you. Whatever the case, don’t harass her into liking you and giving her number to you.

When you strike a friendly conversation, her walls can come down and the conversation flows normally and naturally. I HAVE seen a guy sitting across from a girl on BART (the subway for you non-Bay Area folk) and after a few stops, he ended up sitting right next to her and talking with her the rest of the ride home. He had game, he was friendly and wasn’t pushy at all. He wasn’t aggressive.

Remember Gentlemen, women are people and you have to play it cool.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, back off and let it go. Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone. Remember you do have some power in approaching girls. I know, personally, I would want to ask out guys but I had to refrain because then I would come off too strong, so I had to let guys come to me. You do have some power in picking girls, just remember that the right girl will say yes, and you only need ONE girl to find someone special.

It can be super scary for a girl if a guy is bothering her on the bus, in a plane or train when she can’t really escape, so respect her and be a gentleman, let it go and keep trucking.

2. Don’t make it all about yourself

You don’t need to sell yourself when talking to a girl. If you need to lead with your money or accomplishments to get a girl to like you, she is not a girl with substance that you want to date. Let me repeat that, if a girl you are talking to will only like you if you talk about what kind of car you have, what kind of job or how much money you make, walk away. Seriously, if you think women are ALL gold-diggers, guess what girls you’re going to attract? Gold-diggers. If you need to lead with your ego, your money, your accomplishments, you are attracting girls that are shallow. And that’s not what you want. You want a woman with something under the hood, and most importantly, someone who likes you for YOU.

So, don’t sell yourself. Don’t have a pitch. You’re not a salesman. Make yourself a little mysterious. Nothing is more boring than a person that talks all about themselves without asking the person they’re talking to without asking questions.

The best thing you can do is ask the girl questions. What does she like to do for fun? What are her hobbies? How many siblings does she have? Where does her family live? Let the girl talk and reciprocate the questions. Because if she’s interested, she WILL ask you questions back.

3. Don’t compliment TOO much

Don’t talk about how her eyes are gorgeous AND has beautiful hair AND has a banging body AND this AND that. Leave it to one or two compliments in the conversation at the MOST. Don’t make it super sexual either. Don’t tell her her ass is banging or her legs are super long. Too sexual too fast. If you want to sleep with her right away… then whatever, you’re gonna do what you want to do. But if you really want someone special, someone to stick around BE a GENTLEMAN. Keep the compliments sincere and minimal. Trust me, a girl will remember that ONE compliment. You don’t come across as desperate and you also are thoughtful. The perfect combo.

Ok, Gentlemen, you did good today. Tell me any questions you may have and your stories.

Until next time.

 

 

First Date Do’s and Don’ts

Hello Gentlemen,

First date magic

Upon writing the last blog post about paying for the first date, it also made me think of a topic I had been thinking about writing, what not to do on a first date.

There are so many variables when it comes to a first date with a person, where to go, what to talk about, who pays, how to end the date, how to continue the date. I’m going to list real live examples (these are ALWAYS real examples!) from first dates I’ve had, so, you, Gentlemen, can learn from their mistakes and increase your first date chances of success.

1. Don’t talk about yourself all night

I went on a date once, where the guy just couldn’t stop talking. Just didn’t stop! He didn’t ask me ONE question about me. I look back at that night and probably see that he was nervous, and to calm his nerves he turned into a chatterbox. If this is something that haunts your first dates check out my post on conversing with women to learn how to talk to people. But think of it this way, if you didn’t ask ONE question to your date, you’re in for a lot of trouble. Don’t worry about always filling up empty conversation with endless chatter. There’s gonna be some awkward silences, and that happens, but it’ll change once you ask your date something about herself.

2. Don’t argue, about anything!

Keeping your views on politics and religion and all those hot button issues to yourself really can serve you well. It totally sucks to be on a first date and your date is trying to convert you to Christianity or starts arguing with you whether racism is worse than sexism. Seriously? Don’t argue, you don’t need to prove a point and yes, sexism is real and don’t say anything that’ll upset your date. Maybe it’s a turn-on to you to argue with a girl, but the thing is, you’re still getting to know each other and these are topics that can seriously offend someone, and if you’re with someone you just met… well, then, screw off! You don’t need to go on a second date. It’s better to get to know each other first and respect each other before jumping into these heady topics.

3. Don’t stare at your date

I know the girl you’re on a date with is super hot, but staring at her while talking with her is super creepy. Remember the driving rule, keep your eyes on the road most of the time, but be conscious to look in rear-view mirrors from time to time. You can look at the girl, but look away here and there. I actually remind myself whenever I talk to someone face to face to look away. I consciously tell myself that because I don’t want to stare creepily too.

4. Don’t suggest an expensive restaurant to eat at and then make the girl split it with you

The girl is super stoked you picked the latest, trendiest restaurant to try out together, and you order beers, appetizers, etc., but when the bill comes, you look sheepish and suggest to split the bill. This happened to me once, and yeah, you guys are gonna yell at me, but I didn’t split the bill! I didn’t suggest the restaurant! I know women’s magazines would tell women like me to always bring extra cash just for this scenario, but I saw it this way, he invited ME to this restaurant. If I had known it was a splitting adventure, I may have picked something else. It’s also a first date, and if you see my previous post, I kind of have a thing where the guy should AT LEAST pay for the first date. I split all the time, but he’s trying to impress me and for all the reasons listed in my previous blog. If you can’t afford an expensive restaurant, than for the love of In N Out cheeseburgers, don’t suggest it on the first date.

5. Don’t share your life story with her

Keep topics light-hearted and fun and don’t dive into ALL your backstory traumas. That all comes later when you get to know her and you can trust her. Keep some mystery alive and get to know her. Don’t keep EVERYTHING a secret, but for some of the harder topics, let that come out after the 3rd date.

6. Don’t lie about addictions

It’s one thing if you’re recovering from something and are sober, it’s another if you’re currently using. If you have an addiction problem, you need to be upfront about that. If you’re sober for a while, it might be good to hold back some of that info until the 2nd or 3rd date. You need to be upfront too, but it can be a bit overwhelming dating someone for the first time and learning about your drug secrets, so save it for later when you know each other more.

7. Don’t lie about if are seeing other women or are in another relationship

Dude, just be honest, don’t tell her you’re only seeing her and you’re totally seeing other chicks. Not cool. Also, don’t just assume the girl is or isn’t seeing other people. Just ask! Usually people just want to get that out of the way and figure out what’s going on.

8. Don’t take everything so seriously

It’s a first date! Not an interview! Just have fun! Make jokes, have fun and treat it like someone you’re meeting for the first time. Don’t stiffen up, just get loose and think as if you’re with a friend. A really cute friend.

9. Don’t get sloshed

Don’t drink too much. I believe for guys, 3 is the maximum amount of drinks you should have, but I wouldn’t even say to have one, honestly. This is the first time you’re going on a date, you want to be aware of what’s going on, not falling over drunk. Pull yourself together, man!

10. Don’t take her to see a movie

It’s your first date, you need to talk to each other, not sit in silence. Go for coffee, dinner, museum, park, etc.

 Now, let’s talk about the Do’s, yay!

1. Do act chivalrous

Open the door, pull out her chair, hang up her coat! It’s one of the few times a girl can genuinely “feel like a woman”. It’s polite, thoughtful and it’s the little things that a girl will remember.

2. Do ask questions about herself

You want to know what makes her tick, what kind of person is she? Don’t ask her weird random stuff, but be fun in your banter. Joke around, have fun.

3. Do have fun!

You’re on a date! If you’re treating her like a good friend, talking, joking and getting to know them and things aren’t going so well, well maybe it’s not a match. If you think there’s just a little spark left, try another date just to see. Sometimes nerves can get to the both of you.

4. Do be yourself

Always be yourself, don’t try to act like someone else, because true love is between two honest people, based on trust. If you’re not yourself to try to be more impressive, she’ll find out eventually, and besides, you want someone to love you for you, right?

All right Gentlemen, that’s all for today!

Good luck!

 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Girl

Ye Ol’ Texting Machine.

Hello Gentlemen,

Thank you for reading my posts. I know it’s been a while since I have written. Honestly it’s a bit hard coming up with fresh ideas all on my lonesome. But I see you all are still reading and following my blog! That’s awesome. Thank you!

For today’s blog we’re going to go over the Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Lady.

My friend told me to check out Aziz Ansari’s appearance on Conan two nights ago and how he talked about what it’s like being single. He went on to talk about how texting a girl is a crapshoot and extremely frustrating.

Our attention spans are shortening daily. We are stimulated all the time with our phones, the internet, there’s never a second to get bored. We are bombarded with images and stories and random research.

So, when it comes to texting, it’s easy to get distracted by other things, and game-playing in the dating world is extremely high. How long to text back? Don’t be TOO eager! Don’t say anything dumb! Be aloof!

With texting messages get confused, people get hurt and time is wasted by waiting for a little ding! on your phone which determines your happiness… for the foreseeable next few minutes.

Phew! How exhausting!

Here’s how to cut through the crap, the Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Girl:

Let’s start with the Don’ts:

1. Don’t start a text with something completely vague as “hey” without some kind of follow-up. For example, if a guy texts me “hey” and nothing else, how am I to respond? With another “hey”? or “hey, how are you?” but then, the guy is making ME do all the heavy lifting of asking how he is doing when he wasn’t courteous enough to inquire how I was doing. How rude! So, fellas, when initially texting a girl, please follow up with a question. “Hey, how are you doing/what are you up to/how’s your day?” is an acceptable starting text. When you don’t make the effort, why should the girl?

2. Don’t text and disappear for a few hours and come back like nothing happened. A guy and I might be texting, then all of a sudden he drops off the face of the planet and comes back with a response as if nothing happened.

I’m thinking: he has no regard for my feelings, I should be way more lax about when he answers, but wait a minute, he if doesn’t care about being timely, what else does he not care about? Should I reply back right away?

Gentlemen, acknowledge you absence, say, “hey, a friend needed my help moving” or something. By not acknowledging the absence, you are telling the girl it’s ok to disappear for a while, and she’ll do the same to do. Or better yet, not reply back at all…

3. Don’t text a girl and make her do all the work. For example, texting a girl hi, and not really asking questions, and not really asking her out. So, then, buddy, WHY are you texting me? Are you starting a conversation? Are you asking me out? Are you just seeing how I’ll respond? This shows a girl you’re lazy and you don’t know what you want.

4. Don’t blow up her phone. In the early stages of dating, constantly checking in is weird. It’s like you’re trying to see where she is all the time. One or two random texts a day is acceptable. Texting morning, noon and night is too clingy.

Now for the Do’s of Conversing with a Lady through Text Message:

1. Do start with a question, get the ball rolling. How are you? How’s your day? Be interested in the girl. If you don’t know how to talk to a girl, just ask her questions and get her talking.

2. Be courteous, and don’t waste her time. Be there and let her know when you have to leave the conversation.

3. Have a purpose for texting. Ask her out or make conversation. Don’t text her because you’re bored.

4. Text a girl as you would like to be texted. You don’t like when someone is rude to you, don’t do that to the girl. If she disappears, don’t freak out, but also know if she never comes back, you don’t want to be with her anyways. It takes a while to get to know someone in the beginning and there will be a lot of mis-connections. The right lady with be on the same page with you.

Until next time!