Why You Don’t Want to be a Player

Hello Gentlemen,

Let’s imagine for a second the mind of a player. First, what is a player? A player, usually a man, is a guy that “plays” with people’s hearts. They’re a person that doesn’t invest emotionally in a relationship and tries to always get a better partner. A player goes in for the kill, to sleep with someone, then either cheats or moves on to the next target, all while not emotionally getting attached, having fun and breaking your heart.

Some guys want to be a player, there is a certain status to being a player. Like a good looking guy who can walk up to the hottest girl in the bar and sweet talk his way into her bedroom. Guys also idolize a player, because not only can he get whatever he wants, he can walk away unscathed, with not a scratch on his heart and the energy to find his next victim.

Celebrity players, such as George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio, seem to have it all. Good looks, money and a bevy of babes at their beck and call. Why settle down when you have hot chicks all over you?

Let’s look a little deeper into the mind of a player, shall we? Is it all that it’s cracked up to be? Sleeping with one chick and moving onto the next, and next, and next can’t get old right? I mean, look at Hugh Hefner, he’s a million and one years old and he’s happy right?

But if you really look at a player, you’ll see someone who has gotten hurt in the past. They flew too close to the sun (meaning they loved a girl once that burned them) and instead of loving again, they closed their feelings down and settled for the physical pleasures of a relationship, but firmly closing the down on the emotional pleasure.

Sure, I mean, if you can net an unlimited amount of models like DiCaprio, what’s the point of settling down? But you’re not DiCaprio are you? You may be good looking, or even charming, but at the end of the day, just being causal with relationships isn’t what you really want.

Look at it like friendships. Do you want a bunch of rotating buds to go see baseball games with? Only to hang out with them a couple of times and never see them again and get a new group of friends? Isn’t that kind of exhausting getting to know all these guys only to discard them and make new friends? You want friends to stick around, friends that are there for you and most of all, friends that you have things in common with and you’ll know that when you hang out, you’ll have a hell of a time.

It reminds me of the movie Home Alone 2. Even though it’s just a kid’s film, there is a really deep scene between Kevin and the bird lady in the park. Kevin talks to her and she says she doesn’t want to love because she doesn’t want to risk getting hurt. But here is the dialogue which I think is important because it breaks down what it feels like to close yourself off to love.

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.

Kevin: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.

Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.

Kevin: Maybe they’re just too busy. Maybe they don’t forget about you,  but they forget to remember you. People don’t mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn’t screwed on, I’d leave it on the school busy.

Bird Lady: I’m just afraid if I do trust someone, I’ll get my heart broken.

Kevin: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.

Bird Lady: A person’s heart and feelings are very different from skates.

Kevin: They’re kind of the same thing. If you won’t use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it’ll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won’t be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.

Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

Kevin: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn’t gone. If it was gone, you wouldn’t be so nice.

 

Basically, what I’m saying is that we’re all human. And humans need certain things in their lives. They need shelter, food, to feel safe. And they need relationships. They need family, friends and a partner. Having someone who cares about you for you, not for your money or looks or anything else superficial, is amazing. Someone who shares your interests, someone you can care for, someone who will stick around when things get tough. You’ll get sick someday, you’ll get hurt someday, and that person will be there for you like a rock. If you’re afraid of getting hurt, join the club, because guess what? EVERYONE is afraid of getting hurt. These are the risks you have to make in life, or else you’ll never really live. And you’ll never really know.

So, why would you want to be a player? A player is based on ego. Playing up their ego and trying to score, but that can get old and you’ll start feeling detached to people. All the girls look the same, act the same… but that’s because you’re going after certain types of girls so you don’t get attached.

George Clooney dated blond models for like forever. And who did he end up with? A smart brunette! Someone who challenged him mentally. Because why have the superficial when you can have the real deal? Why play up your ego when you can really find someone to have fun with, and not just in the bed, but in life? Someone you can travel with, someone who gets your jokes and makes life worth sharing.

If you feel you have to be a player to stay on top, you’re only kidding yourself at the end of the day.

I’ll leave you with one last story. I used to work at Starbucks, and there was an old man, grandpa age, that started to work there. One day he was leaving work and put on a leather jacket, a biker jacket and I talked to him. I found out that he never got married, and never had kids and regretted it. Here was this old man that probably had adventures out on the road with his biker gang, but at the end of his life, he didn’t have anyone to come home to.

Life is short, and if you close yourself for too long, you may lose your chance.

Ok, Gentlemen, we got a little deep here this time, I hope you enjoyed and talk to you next time.

How to Not Feel Rejected

Hello Gentelmen,

Dating is a game, a game where you take chances, risk yourself and ultimately win or lose. Sometimes you lose hard and sometimes you are frustrated because you’re on the sidelines and can’t even get into the game.

Everyone knows how that feels. Men, women, everyone. The typical response is to blame other people.

“If they had just known how pure my feelings are…”

“They don’t understand me”

“Why  can’t it go my way?”

The thing is, don’t feel alone in that feeling. Don’t single yourself out thinking life never goes your way. The rule of life is nothing stays the same forever and there may be a lesson for you to learn first before you can move forward.

I know pretty girls that are single, looking for a boyfriend, and can’t find anyone for years because the guys they date are more into themselves than the girl. They’re more obsessed with their self-image of dating a pretty girl than really understanding her in the first place.

And girls get rejected too. They’ll like a guy that never makes a move on her, they’ll wait patiently for him and even ask him out to only have him say no way.

Whether you’re young, old, we all don’t want to be rejected, but it does happen and sometimes it really does work in your favor.

Sometimes, that person is NOT ready to date at all, they need to get over a break-up themselves and would be a horrible partner even if you two were to get together, or you have a lot on your plate and juggling a relationship would be a horrible idea for both parties because you’re not ready to open up and be there for another person.

There’s all kinds of reasons why relationships don’t work or don’t start at all, but what you must keep in mind is to not bash the other person or force them to like you. You need to keep your head high and keep yourself intact. You may feel insecure, like no one ever likes you, or the people you like, don’t like you. But look for the lesson, why do these people not like you? Are they emotionally unavailable? Are they immature? Are they going through their own problems? Are you not their type? Are you really the best match for them?

I remember one guy liking me that was of Jewish faith, and I am clearly not. No way I would ever convert to Judaism. So, why did he bother to like me knowing that clearly that I would never be a match? You can’t expect to change the person you like and expect them to do things that are not of their core of being. If it’s not a match, then it’s ok, because there are LOTS of other people out there.

I had to move to find my match. I lived in LA for three years and knew I would never find a guy for the right relationship for me. Certainly, there’s love in LA, but for myself, the kinds of guys I was meeting were more obsessed with looks than what was inside, and I would clearly get looked over for hotter women. Even though I was in shape, I was clearly not the desired type of most guys there. And I honestly wanted a guy with more substance than what I was finding there. For me, moving was crucial to find the right type of person.

I could have stayed, and tried to make it work with someone, keep getting rejected or looked over. But what I did was really think about who I was and the partner I wanted and came to the conclusion that the partner I wanted wouldn’t live in that place.

But you may have to stop as ask yourself similar questions. Who’s a good partner for me? What do I really want? What do I need to do to BE a good partner?

Then you’ll realize, the rejection you’re facing is not because of your insecurities or whatever you feel inferior about, but that it’s not a good match and you’re looking in the wrong places or that you’re not ready to be a good partner yourself and you need to do some growing first.

Until next time, gentlemen.

Cheaters Anonymous

Hello Gentlemen,

Long time, no chat. Thanks for checking out this blog, even though I haven’t been as active, this blog is still getting a lot of views, so it encourages me to continue writing in here. As always, any questions you have about dating, or any stories you’d like to share, please comment on any of these posts and I will get back to you.

Let’s talk about cheating today. Not a pleasant topic and for the one being cheated on, it can break a person knowing the person you love is well, loving someone else.

I’m going to talk about both angles of cheating. I’ve been cheated on before, and it made me insecure in subsequent relationships where I thought guys would always do that to me. I felt foolish. I also thought about cheating once and I realized that it wasn’t worth it to cheat.

Why is it not worth it to cheat? I know it’s tempting to dip one foot into the pool and get the best of both worlds, but no one really deserves to be cheated on. Even if that person is a jerk, they don’t deserve it. You can rationalize away why you should cheat, you’re not getting enough attention, they don’t listen to you, etc. If that’s the case, you need to make clear to that person that they’re driving you away and ruining your relationship.

You also need to be prepared to walk away from that relationship if you are looking to cheat. The minute you start omitting that you have a significant other and start flirting with other people and hanging out with them alone, you know you’re jumping into dangerous territory.

If you’re really that insecure to be alone that you need to cheat because you don’t know what you want, you REALLY need to be alone. You need to step away from your current relationship and be single for a bit before jumping into something new.

You know what I notice in men? That they jump to relationship to relationship awfully quickly, even when they’re not over their ex.

I went on a first date once where the guy couldn’t stop talking about his bad ex-girlfriend. Then a few days after the date he texted me that he still wasn’t over his ex. Yeah, no duh. Of course.

Also, ask yourself, why are you cheating? Not getting what you want out of the relationship? Then ask for it. And if you will never get what you want out of the relationship, the door is over there and you can see yourself out. Be an adult and break up, then pursue something new. Because if you cheat on someone with someone else, that other person will always wonder if you’re going to do them wrong the same way…

And you kind of just broke your trust with that new relationship too. You’ve shown that person that you can sneak around to find what you want.

If you have been cheated on, that can be rough. You start to doubt yourself in relationships and wonder if anyone really likes you for you, or is just looking around the corner for something new.

If you’re in a relationship right now where you can’t trust the person, ask yourself these few questions:

1. How new is this relationship?

If you’ve just started to date this person for a month and they’ve shown you no reason to be jealous, then try your darnest not to be the green-eyed monster, because the minute you start trying to control someone else, you’re breaking that relationship and the only thing you need to control is yourself. YES, YOURSELF. You cannot control another human being, you can only control your own emotions. I’ve seen couples living with each other and the guy could not stop being jealous and accusing his girlfriend of trying to date other guys and attracting attention. You know what happened? She broke up with him because he could never trust her. Don’t be that guy.

2. Has it been 6 months and you still can’t trust your S.O.?

If it’s been several months/years and you still can’t trust the person you’ve been dating, you’re settling for low standards. Yes, you are settling because you think you don’t deserve better. After a few months if you can’t trust that person and you think that every good looking person that walks in the door is grabbing the attention of your honey bunny, you got a big problem. The answer is you’re being WAY too jealous, or that person is really looking for other people. There is no good way to change yourself or them at that point and you really need to leave that relationship. Because you are never going to trust them and years will go by and that will suck ass. Seriously. Been there, done that. I was in a relationship where I couldn’t trust the guy at all. I just KNEW something was wrong. And then the day we broke up (because we kept fighting and I couldn’t trust him) he left me a big bombshell revelation. I can’t repeat, but lets say that he was living a lie to most people in his life and they had no idea what kind of secret he was holding in around everyone. It was bad and he was a jerk and my gut instinct was true. He was not an honest person, and that’s why I couldn’t trust him for the life of me.

So again, if you’ve been with someone for ages and you’re still jealous. Either you’re crazy or you’re right, and both results are bad. You need to leave that relationship and raise your standards.

Because you can find someone that you trust. I’m with someone now that I trust. One day we were at a party and a super cute, younger girl went up to my man and started hitting on him. You know what I did? Nothing, I went back to doing whatever I was doing because I knew he would handle it. He did. The girl came over to me and asked who my boyfriend was. I pointed over to the guy she just tried to hit on. She really wanted to know if he was taken. My point is, I trusted him enough because I trusted us. I knew that our relationship was strong enough that a younger, cuter girl than me wouldn’t phase him at all. Because our relationship is unique and we’re happy with each other.

If that was several years ago, I would have lost my shit because I didn’t trust guys, I just kept thinking they would try to get someone better than me. I was single, did my time and confident in myself and my relationships that that kind of thing doesn’t worry me at all.

You can be like that too. So, don’t lower your standards. If something ain’t right, walk away and have dignity. Don’t do people wrong. It will come back to you in your next relationships.

Until next time.

 

 

 

The Wild Card

Wild Card

Hello Gentlemen,

Wow, I had no idea “The Ways a Girl Flirts” would be such a popular post! Thank you. I don’t even think that’s the funniest post, my online dating post is my favorite in my opinion.

Now, to follow up on “The Ways a Girl Flirts”, a lot of guys have been mentioning “The Wild Card”. The Wild Card is when a girl likes you but doesn’t want you to know it because she doesn’t know if you like her.

So, this is what’s happening to the girl.

A girl has a crush on a guy, and probably thinks the guy is totally out of her league or it would create some drama if he knew and didn’t like her back. This scenario plays out most in the work space. I know it happened to me a long time ago…

Long long time ago, in a restaurant far far away… I had a crush on a co-worker. I thought he was way cute at the time, he was older, and I didn’t have a clue on how to act around him. This was typical of me when I had a crush on a guy. I didn’t want to show that I liked him, so I would act total opposite, I wouldn’t talk much and try to stay away.

Think about it, when you have a crush on someone, you’re probably staring at the person all googglied-eyed and could spend forever talking about some random topic, “the celery wasn’t my FAVORITE, but I definitely preferred the cucumber over the lettuce..” and make no sense, but saying ANYTHING to this person would make you blush.

So, obviously, you want to avoid the person so you don’t look like a total idiot. You refrain from talking to the person too much, and you don’t want to say anything stupid. You don’t want to be caught dreamily staring at the person, so what do you do?

Act cold.

You don’t talk, don’t look at them in the eye. Or, that’s what I would do in my case. Which didn’t work in my favor at all, because the guy would have no clue that I was dreaming about being in his arms. Awwww…

So, this can be VERY difficult for a guy to find out. Does the girl really find me repulsive or does she like me and is trying to hide it?

If a girl finds you repulsive, she’ll probably give you a weird face. Like, “don’t-look-at-me-you-pervert” face. If a girl is just intimidated by you, she’ll probably just cut her gaze short, look at the floor and act awkward. She’ll smile at you, but then walk away after an interaction because she’s nervous. Girls get super nervous around guys too! I know guys are all freaked out about asking a girl out, but girls can be so nervous around guys they like.

To be clear, if a girl doesn’t like you at all, she won’t smile at you, she won’t try to talk to you at all, she’ll just ignore you (and for some reason you guys LOVE that) and if she’s also giving you the stink-eye, yeah, she doesn’t really want to get to know you.

If she’s nervous, cutting her gaze short, smiling but then leaving quickly, looking at the floor, she just might like you, you devil, you.

How do you respond? Talk to her! If she likes you, she will light up and start chatting with you. If she doesn’t want to talk, see how she’s acting, pay attention to body language, and that will be your biggest clue.

Ok, gentlemen, I hope this clears up the mystery of “The Wild Card”.

Good luck!

Where to Meet Girls

Coffee Delight – Follow me on Instagram @angelaeris

Hello Gentlemen,

Today’s lesson will be quite beneficial to you. I have questions asked to me like, “hey, Single Girl, I’m SOOO busy with work, I go online dating sometimes, but it’s just hard to find a good girl. Where can I meet girls?”

Let me tell you some hotspots on how to meet girls off the interwebz. This does require you getting off of Buzzfeed looking at those cute koalas and venturing forth into daylight (shocking) to meet girls.

Are you ready?

I said, are you READY???

Umk.

Think about the girl you so desire. Is she covered in tattoos? Does she wear sundresses in the park? Is she riding a bike? Maybe watching a movie or playing video games?

Think about the activities you’d like in a mate, and start going out and trying those activities to meet someone.

For me, personally, I love reading and writing, so meeting a guy at a coffee shop over laptops or browsing through Green Apple Books would be my cup of tea. But it depends on what kind of guy you are and what you like in a girl.

Here are some HOT SPOTS for girls to start out with if you want a high women to men ratio and increase your odds of meeting a girl:

1. Yoga Class – No, yoga class ISN’T just for girls and their gay boyfriends, straight guys totally go too and there are a lot of hot, sweaty women that totally outnumber men. Also, if you have a rocking bod, totally time to take off your shirt (and not get yelled at) to attract the ladies. The only Cons to this is you can’t really talk during yoga practice, so you would have to get your chat on before class starts or afterwards, which can be tricky, so comment on something the girl is wearing, if she knows of any other yoga studios in the area, etc.

What kind of girl hangs out here?: The spiritual, athletic type. This girl might be into meditation, Buddhism or just looking for a great workout and find some zen.

2. Kickboxing Class – Kickboxing class is like catnip to cats, they’re just so many girls at this class, it’s ridiculous, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Bring your gloves, hand wraps and join all the girls in the kickboxing class. You get a workout and an array of ladies to choose from. Try looking for a dojo to find a good kickboxing class instead of a gym.

What kind of girl hangs out here?: This kind of girl like intense workouts, you might catch her hiking on the weekends or hitting the gym a lot. She’s really into fitness and trying new things.

3. Coffee shop/Bookstore – This is a great place to meet an intellectual lady. The environment is calm and there are a lot of conversation starters, “what are you working on your laptop?”, “how is that book?”, “would you recommend that?” This is a great place to be causal and strike up a conversation with a girl. I suggest going to a popular coffee shop or bookstore. In the coffee shop, hang out for a few hours, relax and sit across from the girl you’re eyeing. Ask her to watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom (if you have trouble saying SOMETHING to the girl). Strike a conversation and don’t be afraid to follow up with a number or asking her out to dinner that night, she may have some time on her hands and might be delighted to go with you.

What kind of girl hangs out here?: The Intellectual. She’s a reader or working on her blog/article/business and likes to get out of the house to get ideas on the project she’s working on. She could be a college student. She’s more likely to converse about the book she’s reading or the project she’s working on.

4. Meetup.com Event – Lots of girls who are new to the neighborhood will go onto Meetup.com to find events and friends to hang out with. Join a hiking club, game club, drinking club, whatever suits your fancy to meet girls you wouldn’t normally meet. This is a place to be friends first and than to see where it could develop. You don’t want to come off strong here because girls in these events are looking for something to do or to make friends. They do want to meet guys, but if you’re stuck at an event together and it doesn’t work out well, it’s best to be friends first instead of awkward for the rest of the event.

What kind of girl hangs out here?: This girl is open to trying new things and is looking for new friends. She may be new to the area or looking to expand her social circle or trying something new that she never got to in the past.

5. Salsa/Swing Dance Class – This is another great way to meet some girls. With Salsa or Swing dance you HAVE to dance with a partner (yes, most likely a girl). You’re stuck together for an hour and you’re learning together. You don’t have to be a fabulous dancer, but know come key points. Be light on your feet, don’t step on her feet. I haven’t taken swing classes, but I have taken Salsa, and with Salsa you’re twirling the girl around, so you get to be in charge. Yes, dancing with a real life female can be intimidating and don’t get upset with yourself with the first few lessons, but by lesson 3-5 you’ll start getting it and will feel confident. So, stick with it and you may never know who you will be paired up with.

What kind of girl hangs out here?: This is a girl that likes to go out in the city, dance, party and enjoys the nightlife. If you love to party, this girl will be by your side.

Places to Avoid: Don’t go into Zumba Class or a knitting class to get a girl. It really does come across as gay and weird. That goes for ballet class as well. It’s just really awkward and weird and not a place a girl would expect to meet a guy, even though you’d feel you’d have an advantage at these spots, it’s really not the best first move to take.

Think about the kind of girl you like, and what she would be doing and go ahead with those activities. You’ll be out there, meeting new girls and it’s so much better than online dating.

Do you have any other suggestions on where to meet girls? Please comment below!