How to Not Feel Rejected

Hello Gentelmen,

Dating is a game, a game where you take chances, risk yourself and ultimately win or lose. Sometimes you lose hard and sometimes you are frustrated because you’re on the sidelines and can’t even get into the game.

Everyone knows how that feels. Men, women, everyone. The typical response is to blame other people.

“If they had just known how pure my feelings are…”

“They don’t understand me”

“Why  can’t it go my way?”

The thing is, don’t feel alone in that feeling. Don’t single yourself out thinking life never goes your way. The rule of life is nothing stays the same forever and there may be a lesson for you to learn first before you can move forward.

I know pretty girls that are single, looking for a boyfriend, and can’t find anyone for years because the guys they date are more into themselves than the girl. They’re more obsessed with their self-image of dating a pretty girl than really understanding her in the first place.

And girls get rejected too. They’ll like a guy that never makes a move on her, they’ll wait patiently for him and even ask him out to only have him say no way.

Whether you’re young, old, we all don’t want to be rejected, but it does happen and sometimes it really does work in your favor.

Sometimes, that person is NOT ready to date at all, they need to get over a break-up themselves and would be a horrible partner even if you two were to get together, or you have a lot on your plate and juggling a relationship would be a horrible idea for both parties because you’re not ready to open up and be there for another person.

There’s all kinds of reasons why relationships don’t work or don’t start at all, but what you must keep in mind is to not bash the other person or force them to like you. You need to keep your head high and keep yourself intact. You may feel insecure, like no one ever likes you, or the people you like, don’t like you. But look for the lesson, why do these people not like you? Are they emotionally unavailable? Are they immature? Are they going through their own problems? Are you not their type? Are you really the best match for them?

I remember one guy liking me that was of Jewish faith, and I am clearly not. No way I would ever convert to Judaism. So, why did he bother to like me knowing that clearly that I would never be a match? You can’t expect to change the person you like and expect them to do things that are not of their core of being. If it’s not a match, then it’s ok, because there are LOTS of other people out there.

I had to move to find my match. I lived in LA for three years and knew I would never find a guy for the right relationship for me. Certainly, there’s love in LA, but for myself, the kinds of guys I was meeting were more obsessed with looks than what was inside, and I would clearly get looked over for hotter women. Even though I was in shape, I was clearly not the desired type of most guys there. And I honestly wanted a guy with more substance than what I was finding there. For me, moving was crucial to find the right type of person.

I could have stayed, and tried to make it work with someone, keep getting rejected or looked over. But what I did was really think about who I was and the partner I wanted and came to the conclusion that the partner I wanted wouldn’t live in that place.

But you may have to stop as ask yourself similar questions. Who’s a good partner for me? What do I really want? What do I need to do to BE a good partner?

Then you’ll realize, the rejection you’re facing is not because of your insecurities or whatever you feel inferior about, but that it’s not a good match and you’re looking in the wrong places or that you’re not ready to be a good partner yourself and you need to do some growing first.

Until next time, gentlemen.

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Cheaters Anonymous

Hello Gentlemen,

Long time, no chat. Thanks for checking out this blog, even though I haven’t been as active, this blog is still getting a lot of views, so it encourages me to continue writing in here. As always, any questions you have about dating, or any stories you’d like to share, please comment on any of these posts and I will get back to you.

Let’s talk about cheating today. Not a pleasant topic and for the one being cheated on, it can break a person knowing the person you love is well, loving someone else.

I’m going to talk about both angles of cheating. I’ve been cheated on before, and it made me insecure in subsequent relationships where I thought guys would always do that to me. I felt foolish. I also thought about cheating once and I realized that it wasn’t worth it to cheat.

Why is it not worth it to cheat? I know it’s tempting to dip one foot into the pool and get the best of both worlds, but no one really deserves to be cheated on. Even if that person is a jerk, they don’t deserve it. You can rationalize away why you should cheat, you’re not getting enough attention, they don’t listen to you, etc. If that’s the case, you need to make clear to that person that they’re driving you away and ruining your relationship.

You also need to be prepared to walk away from that relationship if you are looking to cheat. The minute you start omitting that you have a significant other and start flirting with other people and hanging out with them alone, you know you’re jumping into dangerous territory.

If you’re really that insecure to be alone that you need to cheat because you don’t know what you want, you REALLY need to be alone. You need to step away from your current relationship and be single for a bit before jumping into something new.

You know what I notice in men? That they jump to relationship to relationship awfully quickly, even when they’re not over their ex.

I went on a first date once where the guy couldn’t stop talking about his bad ex-girlfriend. Then a few days after the date he texted me that he still wasn’t over his ex. Yeah, no duh. Of course.

Also, ask yourself, why are you cheating? Not getting what you want out of the relationship? Then ask for it. And if you will never get what you want out of the relationship, the door is over there and you can see yourself out. Be an adult and break up, then pursue something new. Because if you cheat on someone with someone else, that other person will always wonder if you’re going to do them wrong the same way…

And you kind of just broke your trust with that new relationship too. You’ve shown that person that you can sneak around to find what you want.

If you have been cheated on, that can be rough. You start to doubt yourself in relationships and wonder if anyone really likes you for you, or is just looking around the corner for something new.

If you’re in a relationship right now where you can’t trust the person, ask yourself these few questions:

  1. How new is this relationship?

If you’ve just started to date this person for a month and they’ve shown you no reason to be jealous, then try your darnest not to be the green-eyed monster, because the minute you start trying to control someone else, you’re breaking that relationship and the only thing you need to control is yourself. YES, YOURSELF. You cannot control another human being, you can only control your own emotions. I’ve seen couples living with each other and the guy could not stop being jealous and accusing his girlfriend of trying to date other guys and attracting attention. You know what happened? She broke up with him because he could never trust her. Don’t be that guy.

2. Has it been 6 months and you still can’t trust your S.O.?

If it’s been several months/years and you still can’t trust the person you’ve been dating, you’re settling for low standards. Yes, you are settling because you think you don’t deserve better. After a few months if you can’t trust that person and you think that every good looking person that walks in the door is grabbing the attention of your honey bunny, you got a big problem. The answer is you’re being WAY too jealous, or that person is really looking for other people. There is no good way to change yourself or them at that point and you really need to leave that relationship. Because you are never going to trust them and years will go by and that will suck ass. Seriously. Been there, done that. I was in a relationship where I couldn’t trust the guy at all. I just KNEW something was wrong. And then the day we broke up (because we kept fighting and I couldn’t trust him) he left me a big bombshell revelation. I can’t repeat, but lets say that he was living a lie to most people in his life and they had no idea what kind of secret he was holding in around everyone. It was bad and he was a jerk and my gut instinct was true. He was not an honest person, and that’s why I couldn’t trust him for the life of me.

So again, if you’ve been with someone for ages and you’re still jealous. Either you’re crazy or you’re right, and both results are bad. You need to leave that relationship and raise your standards.

Because you can find someone that you trust. I’m with someone now that I trust. One day we were at a party and a super cute, younger girl went up to my man and started hitting on him. You know what I did? Nothing, I went back to doing whatever I was doing because I knew he would handle it. He did. The girl came over to me and asked who my boyfriend was. I pointed over to the guy she just tried to hit on. She really wanted to know if he was taken. My point is, I trusted him enough because I trusted us. I knew that our relationship was strong enough that a younger, cuter girl than me wouldn’t phase him at all. Because our relationship is unique and we’re happy with each other.

If that was several years ago, I would have lost my shit because I didn’t trust guys, I just kept thinking they would try to get someone better than me. I was single, did my time and confident in myself and my relationships that that kind of thing doesn’t worry me at all.

You can be like that too. So, don’t lower your standards. If something ain’t right, walk away and have dignity. Don’t do people wrong. It will come back to you in your next relationships.

Until next time.

 

 

 

How to Not Hit on a Girl

Hello Gentlemen,

New Year’s is coming soon, and I know you may be feeling the slight twinge of singlehood in the back of your head. Another year has gone by, and what you do plan to do next year?

If you plan on finding a girl, I’m going to give you some advice on how NOT to pick her up. That’s right, sometimes learning from your mistakes is the only way you can really find someone special.

Let’s start with the obvious:

1.  Don’t try to pick up a girl on a bus, plane, train without striking up a mutual friendly conversation first.

One time, I saw a guy try to pick up a girl on the bus. Apparently they had seen each other before on the bus, and he was trying REALLY hard to get her to date him. This girl was hilarious, because she was frank with him and was like, you don’t even have a job and hitting on her on a bus was not her idea of a good time. Being REALLY persistent RIGHT away is a huge turn-off for women. Remember, women are usually pretty freaked out by strangers approaching them and she has no idea if you’re a serial killer or a teddy bear, but it’s in her best interest to protect herself from harm. So if you come off way aggressive, “hey baby, come out with me, etc. etc.” and pushing her, she’s going to run so fast the other way… think of laws of attraction, whatever is being chased WILL run away.

Instead, strike up a mutual, non-sexual conversation instead. Granted, it’s the hard part and you only have a few minutes to make a move before the next stop comes, but if you HAVE to hit on girls in transit places, maybe you need to chill out and reconsider why you need to hit on girls this way.

If you’re beyond just getting into a girl’s pants and you really find someone with a spark in a place like this, just talk to her, sit next to her and ask her a question. Now, respect her if she doesn’t want to talk to you. You can’t take everything so personally. She could have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, she could be in a weird place in her life, or she could just not like you. Whatever the case, don’t harass her into liking you and giving her number to you.

When you strike a friendly conversation, her walls can come down and the conversation flows normally and naturally. I HAVE seen a guy sitting across from a girl on BART (the subway for you non-Bay Area folk) and after a few stops, he ended up sitting right next to her and talking with her the rest of the ride home. He had game, he was friendly and wasn’t pushy at all. He wasn’t aggressive.

Remember Gentlemen, women are people and you have to play it cool.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, back off and let it go. Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone. Remember you do have some power in approaching girls. I know, personally, I would want to ask out guys but I had to refrain because then I would come off too strong, so I had to let guys come to me. You do have some power in picking girls, just remember that the right girl will say yes, and you only need ONE girl to find someone special.

It can be super scary for a girl if a guy is bothering her on the bus, in a plane or train when she can’t really escape, so respect her and be a gentleman, let it go and keep trucking.

2. Don’t make it all about yourself

You don’t need to sell yourself when talking to a girl. If you need to lead with your money or accomplishments to get a girl to like you, she is not a girl with substance that you want to date. Let me repeat that, if a girl you are talking to will only like you if you talk about what kind of car you have, what kind of job or how much money you make, walk away. Seriously, if you think women are ALL gold-diggers, guess what girls you’re going to attract? Gold-diggers. If you need to lead with your ego, your money, your accomplishments, you are attracting girls that are shallow. And that’s not what you want. You want a woman with something under the hood, and most importantly, someone who likes you for YOU.

So, don’t sell yourself. Don’t have a pitch. You’re not a salesman. Make yourself a little mysterious. Nothing is more boring than a person that talks all about themselves without asking the person they’re talking to without asking questions.

The best thing you can do is ask the girl questions. What does she like to do for fun? What are her hobbies? How many siblings does she have? Where does her family live? Let the girl talk and reciprocate the questions. Because if she’s interested, she WILL ask you questions back.

3. Don’t compliment TOO much

Don’t talk about how her eyes are gorgeous AND has beautiful hair AND has a banging body AND this AND that. Leave it to one or two compliments in the conversation at the MOST. Don’t make it super sexual either. Don’t tell her her ass is banging or her legs are super long. Too sexual too fast. If you want to sleep with her right away… then whatever, you’re gonna do what you want to do. But if you really want someone special, someone to stick around BE a GENTLEMAN. Keep the compliments sincere and minimal. Trust me, a girl will remember that ONE compliment. You don’t come across as desperate and you also are thoughtful. The perfect combo.

Ok, Gentlemen, you did good today. Tell me any questions you may have and your stories.

Until next time.

 

 

It’s OK Being Single

Hello Gentlemen,

Long time no see! Today I want to talk to you about recovering from a break-up and why it’s a good idea to wait before jumping into a new relationship.

Let me tell you of a (horror)story. There was a man who was married with kids that had an extremely jealous wife. She was so jealous, he couldn’t even be caught talking to another woman. He suffered a while before divorcing her. Then he jumped into another marriage with another woman. Fast forward a bit and he went back to the former ex-wife after a death in the family. He is now back with the crazy ex-wife and he can’t even talk to women in person or over the phone AT ALL. His daughter also turned just as jealous as the mom.

I was told this was a great guy. I’m telling you guys this story so that you can avoid traps like these. You get into these traps when you can’t handle being alone, you don’t know how to take care of yourself, so you just jump into another relationship with a woman without getting to know her, but most importantly, without getting to know yourself.

You need a minimum of three months of not talking to your ex-girlfriend/wife after a break-up. After that, consider taking a year off after a long-term relationship that went bad before jumping into a new relationship.

“A year??? A whole year???” I hear you yelling at me. YES!!! ESPECIALLY if it was a LONG-TERM relationship. We’re talking 5+ years with a woman. You need time to get over her and LEARN what went wrong. Was she crazy? Were you crazy? Did you cheat on her? Did she cheat on you? Were you too trusting? Was she not around? You need to come to terms with what went wrong the relationship and learn more about who you are and what you want out of your NEXT relationship.

When I was online dating, unfortunately a lot of guys that contacted me JUST, like, JUST got out of a relationship, signed up on OKCupid and started messaging girls. They just could NOT be alone. A guy cancelled a date with me because he told me the night of that he had just broken up with a girlfriend of a few years a WEEK before. Seriously??? What are you doing online dating then? You need to be hanging out with your bros, not hitting up girls to boost your ego.

Don’t be that guy. Don’t go online dating and jumping into a relationship or heaven forbid, marriage right after a nasty break-up.

Just, forget about girls for a while. Focus on your job, do some volunteering. Grow up a bit. Clean up the pieces of your heart all over the floor before inviting another girl into that mess.

Because if you take the time to heal, you’ll be stronger, you’ll be aware WHAT a bad girl looks like and how to avoid her and you’ll increase the chances of finding someone better for you and stay in the new relationship longer.

Have a great weekend, Gentlemen.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Girl

morgueFile free photos
Ye Ol’ Texting Machine.

Hello Gentlemen,

Thank you for reading my posts. I know it’s been a while since I have written. Honestly it’s a bit hard coming up with fresh ideas all on my lonesome. But I see you all are still reading and following my blog! That’s awesome. Thank you!

For today’s blog we’re going to go over the Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Lady.

My friend told me to check out Aziz Ansari’s appearance on Conan two nights ago and how he talked about what it’s like being single. He went on to talk about how texting a girl is a crapshoot and extremely frustrating.

Our attention spans are shortening daily. We are stimulated all the time with our phones, the internet, there’s never a second to get bored. We are bombarded with images and stories and random research.

So, when it comes to texting, it’s easy to get distracted by other things, and game-playing in the dating world is extremely high. How long to text back? Don’t be TOO eager! Don’t say anything dumb! Be aloof!

With texting messages get confused, people get hurt and time is wasted by waiting for a little ding! on your phone which determines your happiness… for the foreseeable next few minutes.

Phew! How exhausting!

Here’s how to cut through the crap, the Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Girl:

Let’s start with the Don’ts:

1. Don’t start a text with something completely vague as “hey” without some kind of follow-up. For example, if a guy texts me “hey” and nothing else, how am I to respond? With another “hey”? or “hey, how are you?” but then, the guy is making ME do all the heavy lifting of asking how he is doing when he wasn’t courteous enough to inquire how I was doing. How rude! So, fellas, when initially texting a girl, please follow up with a question. “Hey, how are you doing/what are you up to/how’s your day?” is an acceptable starting text. When you don’t make the effort, why should the girl?

2. Don’t text and disappear for a few hours and come back like nothing happened. A guy and I might be texting, then all of a sudden he drops off the face of the planet and comes back with a response as if nothing happened.

I’m thinking: he has no regard for my feelings, I should be way more lax about when he answers, but wait a minute, he if doesn’t care about being timely, what else does he not care about? Should I reply back right away?

Gentlemen, acknowledge you absence, say, “hey, a friend needed my help moving” or something. By not acknowledging the absence, you are telling the girl it’s ok to disappear for a while, and she’ll do the same to do. Or better yet, not reply back at all…

3. Don’t text a girl and make her do all the work. For example, texting a girl hi, and not really asking questions, and not really asking her out. So, then, buddy, WHY are you texting me? Are you starting a conversation? Are you asking me out? Are you just seeing how I’ll respond? This shows a girl you’re lazy and you don’t know what you want.

4. Don’t blow up her phone. In the early stages of dating, constantly checking in is weird. It’s like you’re trying to see where she is all the time. One or two random texts a day is acceptable. Texting morning, noon and night is too clingy.

Now for the Do’s of Conversing with a Lady through Text Message:

1. Do start with a question, get the ball rolling. How are you? How’s your day? Be interested in the girl. If you don’t know how to talk to a girl, just ask her questions and get her talking.

2. Be courteous, and don’t waste her time. Be there and let her know when you have to leave the conversation.

3. Have a purpose for texting. Ask her out or make conversation. Don’t text her because you’re bored.

4. Text a girl as you would like to be texted. You don’t like when someone is rude to you, don’t do that to the girl. If she disappears, don’t freak out, but also know if she never comes back, you don’t want to be with her anyways. It takes a while to get to know someone in the beginning and there will be a lot of mis-connections. The right lady with be on the same page with you.

Until next time!

Avoiding the “Friend Zone”

Friends?
Friends?

Hello Gentlemen,

I know you’re well aquainted with “the Friend Zone”. A place I know a lot of guys sometimes can’t crawl out of and default to when it comes to women. Today’s lesson, we’ll discuss what the “Friend Zone” is, what happens when you’re in it and how to get out and avoid it.

The “Friend Zone” is a place when you meet a woman and unexpectedly fall into, like a hole that opens up underneath your feet. You decide to be a “friend” to this woman and show her how “friendly” you can be by being there for her, listening to her and you hope if you wait long enough, she will see you for the dazzling guy you really are and come running to you with open arms…

In some cases, yes, this approach could work, but most times you’ve been trapped in the “Friend Zone” with no way out. *Cue Twilight Zone Music*

How did you fall into this mess anyways?

1. Lack of Physical Attraction – Sometimes, I hate to say it, it just comes down to attraction. If a girl is into you, she’ll get to know you as a person, but if the friendship continues for months, or when you hang out there is no touching, or she goes on and on about her crush/boyfriend, etc, you’re in the “Friend Zone”. If she has a boyfriend and keeps you around as a friend, and you REALLY like her, RUN, don’t walk, to the next girl. Just because her boyfriend is an asshole and you make her feel like she can truly be herself, it means she likes the attention from you, but she’s going home to the idiot boyfriend and not you. You’re just there for emotional support.

If she talks about other men she likes, she’s not into you, she just likes her ego stroked. She’s not attracted to you, plain and simple, and there are other foxy ladies that are into you, you just haven’t met them yet. So, for the love of sweet Jelly Beans, PLEASE MOVE ON. Don’t be the poor puppy that listens to her complain about her brain-dead boyfriend and stick around. If she wanted YOU she would be WITH you, not complaining to you.

2. You didn’t make the moves – Sometimes guys fall into the “Friend Zone” because they thought by being sweet and polite would get them an “in” with the special lady. But, if you don’t use your Casanova moves on her, she won’t think much of you and put you in the “Friend Zone” (wow, it’s annoying using quotes every time I say “Friend Zone”, I hope you appreciate the extra effort I put into these posts for you guys). A great way to test the waters with a girl, is using touch, a quick touch on the leg, a playful shove. If she likes you, she’ll lean in closer, or when you say goodbye, she’ll hug a little harder/longer and she’ll reciprocate by playfully touching you back. If she doesn’t touch you, or leans away from you, etc. she’s not interested. Although, sometimes, because you didn’t make any moves, she assumes you are not into her and she moves on. A girl knows pretty quickly within meeting a guy if she’s interested in him BUT her mind CAN be changed, when she learns more about his personality: he’s really funny or they share the same distate in liquorice jelly beans (AmIRight?), but this only has a shelf life of so long.

If you’ve known a girl for 10+ years and she’s NEVER made some kind of move on you and you always liked her, she probably doesn’t like you. She would make SOME kind of effort of playfully shoving you, or complimenting you or something. So, let dead horses lie or whatever they say and don’t crawl out of the “Friend Zone”, you’re already way in there.

3. You’re too “nice” – Nice can equal boring. This goes for both sexes. Boring to me is not being funny, witty or clever. You CAN be a nice guy, but BE INTERESTING. Go out and ride that motorcycle, go rock climbing, go to comedy shows, just have something to say to the girl. If the girl finds you boring, she’ll run off with another exciting guy. So, don’t sit there, staring at her like a zombie while she talks, be engaging and most importantly, have a life.

Once you’ve entered the “Friend Zone”. There are only options after (three if you want to also count by death), you either stay in the friend zone or move your way into “Not Friend Zone” and into some sort of relationship with the girl.

Don’t be upset if you do fall into the “Friend Zone”, just in the future learn how to stay away from it, or embrace it. Learn from your “girl” friends how to get other chicks, because understanding the female mind can work to your advantage.

Venture forth, Young Padawan, and may the odds be ever in your favor. :p