How to Not Hit on a Girl

Hello Gentlemen,

New Year’s is coming soon, and I know you may be feeling the slight twinge of singlehood in the back of your head. Another year has gone by, and what you do plan to do next year?

If you plan on finding a girl, I’m going to give you some advice on how NOT to pick her up. That’s right, sometimes learning from your mistakes is the only way you can really find someone special.

Let’s start with the obvious:

1.  Don’t try to pick up a girl on a bus, plane, train without striking up a mutual friendly conversation first.

One time, I saw a guy try to pick up a girl on the bus. Apparently they had seen each other before on the bus, and he was trying REALLY hard to get her to date him. This girl was hilarious, because she was frank with him and was like, you don’t even have a job and hitting on her on a bus was not her idea of a good time. Being REALLY persistent RIGHT away is a huge turn-off for women. Remember, women are usually pretty freaked out by strangers approaching them and she has no idea if you’re a serial killer or a teddy bear, but it’s in her best interest to protect herself from harm. So if you come off way aggressive, “hey baby, come out with me, etc. etc.” and pushing her, she’s going to run so fast the other way… think of laws of attraction, whatever is being chased WILL run away.

Instead, strike up a mutual, non-sexual conversation instead. Granted, it’s the hard part and you only have a few minutes to make a move before the next stop comes, but if you HAVE to hit on girls in transit places, maybe you need to chill out and reconsider why you need to hit on girls this way.

If you’re beyond just getting into a girl’s pants and you really find someone with a spark in a place like this, just talk to her, sit next to her and ask her a question. Now, respect her if she doesn’t want to talk to you. You can’t take everything so personally. She could have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, she could be in a weird place in her life, or she could just not like you. Whatever the case, don’t harass her into liking you and giving her number to you.

When you strike a friendly conversation, her walls can come down and the conversation flows normally and naturally. I HAVE seen a guy sitting across from a girl on BART (the subway for you non-Bay Area folk) and after a few stops, he ended up sitting right next to her and talking with her the rest of the ride home. He had game, he was friendly and wasn’t pushy at all. He wasn’t aggressive.

Remember Gentlemen, women are people and you have to play it cool.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, back off and let it go. Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone. Remember you do have some power in approaching girls. I know, personally, I would want to ask out guys but I had to refrain because then I would come off too strong, so I had to let guys come to me. You do have some power in picking girls, just remember that the right girl will say yes, and you only need ONE girl to find someone special.

It can be super scary for a girl if a guy is bothering her on the bus, in a plane or train when she can’t really escape, so respect her and be a gentleman, let it go and keep trucking.

2. Don’t make it all about yourself

You don’t need to sell yourself when talking to a girl. If you need to lead with your money or accomplishments to get a girl to like you, she is not a girl with substance that you want to date. Let me repeat that, if a girl you are talking to will only like you if you talk about what kind of car you have, what kind of job or how much money you make, walk away. Seriously, if you think women are ALL gold-diggers, guess what girls you’re going to attract? Gold-diggers. If you need to lead with your ego, your money, your accomplishments, you are attracting girls that are shallow. And that’s not what you want. You want a woman with something under the hood, and most importantly, someone who likes you for YOU.

So, don’t sell yourself. Don’t have a pitch. You’re not a salesman. Make yourself a little mysterious. Nothing is more boring than a person that talks all about themselves without asking the person they’re talking to without asking questions.

The best thing you can do is ask the girl questions. What does she like to do for fun? What are her hobbies? How many siblings does she have? Where does her family live? Let the girl talk and reciprocate the questions. Because if she’s interested, she WILL ask you questions back.

3. Don’t compliment TOO much

Don’t talk about how her eyes are gorgeous AND has beautiful hair AND has a banging body AND this AND that. Leave it to one or two compliments in the conversation at the MOST. Don’t make it super sexual either. Don’t tell her her ass is banging or her legs are super long. Too sexual too fast. If you want to sleep with her right away… then whatever, you’re gonna do what you want to do. But if you really want someone special, someone to stick around BE a GENTLEMAN. Keep the compliments sincere and minimal. Trust me, a girl will remember that ONE compliment. You don’t come across as desperate and you also are thoughtful. The perfect combo.

Ok, Gentlemen, you did good today. Tell me any questions you may have and your stories.

Until next time.

 

 

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How NOT to First Time Message a Girl through Online Dating: The 5 No-Nos

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Try a little harder, buddy

So, you’ve been cruising and perusing through your OKCupid/PlentyofFish/Match.com/HowAboutWe online dating site. You know it’s tough to get a response from some of the hot chicks you see online. How do you grab their attention? How can you INCREASE the likelihood that she will respond back?

Well, hold on to you computer chair armrests, because these are the Top 5 No-Nos when it comes to first initiating contact to a real live female in the interwebz.

1. The Grenade Blast – You think you’re SOOO clever. Just message 500 girls the same message and you’re bound to get at least ONE girl to respond back to you right?

The problem with the grenade approach for any girl worth half her wits, is you can smell it a website away and leaves the girl feeling that much more NOT special. A typical grenade blast usually looks like this:

Hey girl, you’re so beautiful. My name is —- and I love to surf, hike (blah, blah, blah), we should totally hang out or something and get coffee“.

Here’s the grenade blast which also pairs up with “The Resume” (quite a popular one with the Silicon Valley nerds).

Hi there, my name is —- and I grew up in —-, I work at —- and live in —-. I am loyal, honest, and I enjoy cooking. I would be a great boyfriend and you should let me show you, I am caring, thoughtful and I am looking for an honest relationship….. (on an on for about a page)”

What’s wrong with these previous examples? Should I let you guess? What’s GLARINGLY obvious?

It’s all about the guy! How many times can this guy talk about himself? It’s obvious he took one look at the girl’s picture, decided “the grenade blast will do well here: Initiate Mission” and start sending the same message about yourself over and over. Hopefully telling a girl how fabulous you are, or better yet, keep it short but mention NOTHING about her profile will win her over, right?

Totally wrong. There is nothing in these messages that indicates that the guy even read the girl’s profile. Also, the reason why a guy has a profile is so the girl can scope out his profile without him giving a resume on why he would be the best boyfriend ever. And you totally know not to trust someone when they say, “trust me“.

The bottom line: The problem is the guy in these messages is making the very first contact about himself, and nothing about the girl. The “beautiful” remark can be said of any girl, so there’s nothing valuable to that. When first messaging a girl, write about something in HER profile so she knows you like HER and she isn’t getting an automated message and isn’t one of the 1,000 girls that got the same message. Also, when you comment on something in her profile, there is some conversation to start out on and can make her feel special.

Cause she is damn special. Sheesh.

2. “Hi” – I REALLY don’t have to go too much into this one, because you obviously didn’t put much thought into this one. Whenever a guy doesn’t give ANY effort to writing a first message and writes “Hi” and nothing else. I just move on faster to another profile. How cheap/unattentive/boring is this guy?

The bottom line: Put SOME effort into writing a first message to a girl, or else she won’t put any effort in writing you back.

3. The “Neg/Insult” – This is an ACTUAL message I got from a guy:

“I can’t decide whether you’re really hot or I suppose the alternative would be not to be. I mean it’s clear that you’re attractive and you might be really hot but darn I swear I just can’t bloody tell.”

Yes, wow. So, am I supposed to be like… how am I supposed to feel after a message like that? Don’t insult a girl in your first message (or second…) It won’t make her like you more. This guy is NOT hot at all, so the debate if I’m hot or not doesn’t matter to me, because I could tell in a millisecond I wouldn’t give him the time of day (or directions to Grant Street in SF) if I saw him in person. Insulting a girl doesn’t raise YOUR value. There’s a difference in jesting and joking and just being insulting.

The bottom line: There’s a better way to be funny and catch a girl’s attention, the insult just makes you look like a passive aggressive nerfherder.

4. “The Baffler” – Here is another gem of a baffler first message I got:

Do you like milk with ice?” and “Do you wear socks to bed?”

That is it. That’s all they wrote. Just a dumb ass question. Is Men’s Health Magazine or one of those dumb men’s magazines giving you this advice to ask a girl a really stupid question? How is that even a pick up line? This is just beyond silly and makes me confused.

The bottom line: Don’t confuse the poor girl, she’s already confused enough with online dating.

5. The Cheesiest pick-up line – And finally, the grand tamale, another real first message from my online dating adventures:

You’re so hot, I would buy you a happy meal and let you keep the toy

And this was from a guy that was 7 years younger than me. Really makes me feel like a cougar @_@

Cheesy pick-up lines are already hard enough in real life, and women still can’t escape them on the interwebz? Will the madness never end?

The bottom line: If you think that cheesy pick-up line wouldn’t work in real life, don’t even think about applying that hush puppy in real life.

Well, then, Single Girl, how DO you message a girl for the first time?

Keep the first message short, 3-5 sentences will do. Mention something you read in her profile, “you enjoy glacier rock-climbing? What a small world!?” and if you want to tease her, go ahead, “you like Miyazaki movies? You can’t be ALL that bad!”. You don’t need to tell her she’s pretty (yet), leave that for the real, live first date. Tell her to have a good day and leave it at that. You don’t need to ask her for coffee right away, just make a short exchange at first, be funny and show that you read her DAMN PROFILE *ahem* and she will think of you as a charming guy.

Phew! Write your online dating adventures in the comments below, how is messaging girls online for you?