How to Not Feel Rejected

Hello Gentelmen,

Dating is a game, a game where you take chances, risk yourself and ultimately win or lose. Sometimes you lose hard and sometimes you are frustrated because you’re on the sidelines and can’t even get into the game.

Everyone knows how that feels. Men, women, everyone. The typical response is to blame other people.

“If they had just known how pure my feelings are…”

“They don’t understand me”

“Why  can’t it go my way?”

The thing is, don’t feel alone in that feeling. Don’t single yourself out thinking life never goes your way. The rule of life is nothing stays the same forever and there may be a lesson for you to learn first before you can move forward.

I know pretty girls that are single, looking for a boyfriend, and can’t find anyone for years because the guys they date are more into themselves than the girl. They’re more obsessed with their self-image of dating a pretty girl than really understanding her in the first place.

And girls get rejected too. They’ll like a guy that never makes a move on her, they’ll wait patiently for him and even ask him out to only have him say no way.

Whether you’re young, old, we all don’t want to be rejected, but it does happen and sometimes it really does work in your favor.

Sometimes, that person is NOT ready to date at all, they need to get over a break-up themselves and would be a horrible partner even if you two were to get together, or you have a lot on your plate and juggling a relationship would be a horrible idea for both parties because you’re not ready to open up and be there for another person.

There’s all kinds of reasons why relationships don’t work or don’t start at all, but what you must keep in mind is to not bash the other person or force them to like you. You need to keep your head high and keep yourself intact. You may feel insecure, like no one ever likes you, or the people you like, don’t like you. But look for the lesson, why do these people not like you? Are they emotionally unavailable? Are they immature? Are they going through their own problems? Are you not their type? Are you really the best match for them?

I remember one guy liking me that was of Jewish faith, and I am clearly not. No way I would ever convert to Judaism. So, why did he bother to like me knowing that clearly that I would never be a match? You can’t expect to change the person you like and expect them to do things that are not of their core of being. If it’s not a match, then it’s ok, because there are LOTS of other people out there.

I had to move to find my match. I lived in LA for three years and knew I would never find a guy for the right relationship for me. Certainly, there’s love in LA, but for myself, the kinds of guys I was meeting were more obsessed with looks than what was inside, and I would clearly get looked over for hotter women. Even though I was in shape, I was clearly not the desired type of most guys there. And I honestly wanted a guy with more substance than what I was finding there. For me, moving was crucial to find the right type of person.

I could have stayed, and tried to make it work with someone, keep getting rejected or looked over. But what I did was really think about who I was and the partner I wanted and came to the conclusion that the partner I wanted wouldn’t live in that place.

But you may have to stop as ask yourself similar questions. Who’s a good partner for me? What do I really want? What do I need to do to BE a good partner?

Then you’ll realize, the rejection you’re facing is not because of your insecurities or whatever you feel inferior about, but that it’s not a good match and you’re looking in the wrong places or that you’re not ready to be a good partner yourself and you need to do some growing first.

Until next time, gentlemen.

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It’s OK Being Single

Hello Gentlemen,

Long time no see! Today I want to talk to you about recovering from a break-up and why it’s a good idea to wait before jumping into a new relationship.

Let me tell you of a (horror)story. There was a man who was married with kids that had an extremely jealous wife. She was so jealous, he couldn’t even be caught talking to another woman. He suffered a while before divorcing her. Then he jumped into another marriage with another woman. Fast forward a bit and he went back to the former ex-wife after a death in the family. He is now back with the crazy ex-wife and he can’t even talk to women in person or over the phone AT ALL. His daughter also turned just as jealous as the mom.

I was told this was a great guy. I’m telling you guys this story so that you can avoid traps like these. You get into these traps when you can’t handle being alone, you don’t know how to take care of yourself, so you just jump into another relationship with a woman without getting to know her, but most importantly, without getting to know yourself.

You need a minimum of three months of not talking to your ex-girlfriend/wife after a break-up. After that, consider taking a year off after a long-term relationship that went bad before jumping into a new relationship.

“A year??? A whole year???” I hear you yelling at me. YES!!! ESPECIALLY if it was a LONG-TERM relationship. We’re talking 5+ years with a woman. You need time to get over her and LEARN what went wrong. Was she crazy? Were you crazy? Did you cheat on her? Did she cheat on you? Were you too trusting? Was she not around? You need to come to terms with what went wrong the relationship and learn more about who you are and what you want out of your NEXT relationship.

When I was online dating, unfortunately a lot of guys that contacted me JUST, like, JUST got out of a relationship, signed up on OKCupid and started messaging girls. They just could NOT be alone. A guy cancelled a date with me because he told me the night of that he had just broken up with a girlfriend of a few years a WEEK before. Seriously??? What are you doing online dating then? You need to be hanging out with your bros, not hitting up girls to boost your ego.

Don’t be that guy. Don’t go online dating and jumping into a relationship or heaven forbid, marriage right after a nasty break-up.

Just, forget about girls for a while. Focus on your job, do some volunteering. Grow up a bit. Clean up the pieces of your heart all over the floor before inviting another girl into that mess.

Because if you take the time to heal, you’ll be stronger, you’ll be aware WHAT a bad girl looks like and how to avoid her and you’ll increase the chances of finding someone better for you and stay in the new relationship longer.

Have a great weekend, Gentlemen.

Online dating sites ranked, what’s the best fit for you?

Hello Gentlemen,comp

If you’re new to online dating or even a seasoned pro, picking the right dating website for you can be confusing. Should you pay? Does free online dating sites mean no one’s serious? It is difficult and above dating sites, I still recommend starting the dating process in person (from first meeting, to asking out on date, to first date, etc) because a bit of romance is killed when you meet someone online and then they have to match your expectations of their profile to real life. Which, can be disappointing and almost impossible to predict the outcome, although online dating CAN work for people and I know personally real life stories that resulted in long relationships and marriage.

Through my experience, both literally with using dating sites and through literature that I’ve read on the topic, I have a lot of opinions on which dating sites to use and how to use them.

First, what are your expectations? Are you looking to find the love of your life or are you out to see what fish are in the dating pond? Are you looking for a hook-up or are you really looking for something real?

Remember that this is one of the ways to meet new women. Don’t give up meeting women in person, but online dating can expand your dating pool and if you’re rusty on going out on a first date, will help you get more experience in meeting women.

There are paying and non-paying websites to use and apps. They can change a lot. People will say that paying for an online dating site means you’re serious into finding a relationship. With that kind of mindset, it is tempting to go for a paying online dating service like EHarmony, Match.com and HowAboutWe.com. I remember signing up for EHarmony.com and got rejected as one of the few percent they couldn’t match, so I can’t tell you how they work (hah!) but I’m kind of glad I didn’t use their website (think you rejected me? Well I reject you 😛 ). I think if you want to try a paying online dating site, don’t pay more than for 3 months. The unfortunate thing is that there are a lot of “dummy” profiles. Meaning, people sign up for a free profile then never sign back on, or stories of fake profiles being promoted that people don’t even use anymore. These are to tempt you into thinking there are lots of fish in the sea, but sometimes there’s not as many active users as you would like.

There are active users on these sites, and generally, yes, they’re more serious into finding a relationship since they’re paying. BUT, since you’re paying doesn’t mean you’re getting a better experience than a non-paying site. Because you can go on a lot of dates from a non-paying site and the plus- you don’t have to pay!

discSo, again, try Match.com and HowABoutWe and other paying online dating sites if you’re very serious about finding someone special, but also remember if you’re not successful in finding people who answer back to your messages or even if you do find a date, it’s not always better than non-paying sites.

Non-paying sites I’ve used are OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. I actually know people who’ve had long term relationships (and are still dating!) from these sites. So, saying non-paying sites that people aren’t serious isn’t true. It’s just that in addition to serious applicants, you have to sift through a lot of other people who are looking to hook up. So, hey, if you’re looking for a rebounding, sad person, they’re abound here! But seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many guys just wanted a f*** buddy on OkCupid because they JUST broke up with their long-term girlfriends and (in every SINGLE case) she was crazy and they were heartbroken. So, they didn’t want to touch a “serious relationship” with a ten-foot pole.

Now that I got that out of me, phew! There are a lot of people who are looking for something serious and DO use non-paying dating sites. Try different sites and the cool thing with a lot of these dating sites is their phone apps. There’s location-based apps, which I think everyone should try, where you can just meet someone right away for a date who’s close by you.

The good thing about dating location apps, is if you by-pass the process of judging someone by their profile, you can find out right away if the person you’re talking to, really click in person. And the Number One reason why I advocate for meeting people in real life as opposed to online is that you can’t know if you have chemistry with a person until you meet them face to face. So, you could chat with messages until the cows come home, you can chat on the phone, scrutinize their profiles, but it means NOTHING until you’ve met in person. They could be totally witty in their messages and then clam up once you meet in person.

So, don’t judge TOO harshly on pictures and profiles and don’t worry so much about having the perfect profile. Keep your profile short and sweet. Keep things 2-3 sentences for each section. Don’t write a novel, but also don’t write, “Um, I dunno how to describe myself…” You need to put in some effort and describe yourself, but also know that a profile really doesn’t mean anything until you meet someone in person. You can’t recreate chemistry online. So, the faster you meet someone in person, the faster you know if there’s any chemistry between you two. Also, be mindful that you don’t want to rush a girl to meet in person too. Talking for two-three days with consistant messaging every day is a natural timeframe to ask someone out for coffee.

So, you got your online profile, make sure that your pictures show your face, don’t hide your identity. When you do ask someone out for a date, keep the date short, happy hour drinks, coffee, etc. If you’re REALLY digging the girl, ask her out for dinner. The nice thing about a dinner date is that you have time to really get to know each other. Although it’s tough when you’ve never met in person before, so I say pull out this card if you really have a feeling it’ll work out well between you two.

I never officially counted how many first online dates I’ve been on. I want to say around 30. Yeah, I know, that’s a LOT of first dates. And out of those dates, I’d say about three of them lasted for 2-4 dates. There are some people who meet their “one” right away, so everyone is different. Why was my 1st date success so low? Why wasn’t I getting a second date, but most importantly, why did I refuse a second date?

Don’t call me entirely picky. Women are labeled picky, but in our defense, we have to be, amIright? But seriously, women have to filter out the bad guys to get a good one. I’d have to say the majority of these first dates that didn’t work out, was because there was no chemistry. Sometimes on my end, and sometimes on their end. I’ve had a range of experiences to a guy wanting a one night stand (no… that’s not what I was looking for…) and one that ended dinner early because he couldn’t get away from me fast enough (and I didn’t care for him either, so whatever!).

untitledAfter so many dates, you can’t get so offended if someone doesn’t like you. There’s a variety of reasons why things work out and why they don’t, but you can’t get hung up over it. Everyone is different. A few times I went on dates, the guys did NOT look like their photos, so it was awkward to expect a curly blond guy and meet a bald man for a first date. Already we’re not being honest here…

And I’m saying I’m not the most pickest of girls, but I do know what I want. Not everyone knows what they want, so when it comes to online dating, knowing what you want will help big time.

You have to look at online dating like a numbers game, or winning the lottery. Sometimes, it’ll just work out, and you’ll be the right match, and sometimes you’ll get a dud. If your date is offensive or rude, don’t keep seeing them. Don’t get mad at someone if they don’t like you the same way. Although my advice to men dating women online, is to take things slow, don’t rush a date or the relationship if you really want to see a future with the girl. Even though some romance is replaced with a profile, make sure to suprise your date, do something small and romantic, to make the date memorable.

Here’s some final advice to sum things up.

– Don’t take things too personally if a date doesn’t work out.

– Try different dating websites to see what works for you.

– Even though online dating is a numbers game, do be thoughtful to your dates and in your messages.

– Be as honest as possible: use current photos in your profile, don’t make up your profile.

– Don’t say too much in your profile, leave some mystery for the date!

– Paying for online dating doesn’t always mean a better experience.

– Don’t give up on trying to meet someone in real life, use online dating as an additional supplement to your real life.

– Do try to see the person from online in person as soon as you can. Don’t rush the girl, but remember that online or over the phone chemistry is vastly different from in person chemistry.

 

What is your experience with online dating? Any questions for the next post?

Don’t Go After the Bad Girl, Good Girls are Way Better

Hello Gentlemen,

There is something alluring about a bad girl. Something about how she doesn’t want to bend over your every beck and call and she’s challenging, a mind of her own.

But there’s a difference between a bad girl, and a spoiled brat.

Even then, both aren’t great for you, a lot of guys mistake the spoiled brat as some challenging, bad girl, when really, nothing satisfies her, she’s very negative and you’ll have to live with nagging for the rest of your life if you choose to be with her.

See? Not really alluring anymore, right?

Meanwhile, the good girls are sitting at home, wondering why guys aren’t calling her back… and you totally overlooked her thinking she wasn’t challenging enough and she was boring. Big mistake.

Yes, there are nice girls that are boring and never do anything fun, but there are a lot of good girls out there that are a lot of fun, but you’re too busy chasing the bad ones to even notice anything good.

There are a lot of bad girls who like to play the field, date multiple guys and get you entangled in their web. These girls are called:

The Black Widow: She probably has a boyfriend and likes to complain to you about how horrible he is. She may go out with you and do more, but she still can’t leave her loser, rockband, messy hair, doofus boyfriend and you hope if you just hold out long enough, you may grab her admiration by being the puppy loser you are, she’ll realize that you’re way hotter than her idiot boyfriend. Sorry to break it to ya honey, but she ain’t ever leaving that boy, and you’re the sad sap picking up your broken heart all over the floor. She’s the Black Widow, because she sucks the life out of you, and you don’t even have her as a girlfriend. Weaksauce.

The Bachelorette: Everyone’s telling you this girl is bad, bad, bad, but not in a good way. She doesn’t get along with other girls, she whines but she knows how to stroke your ego and make you feel like a big man on campus. She’s manipulative, she’s the girl in EVERY single season of The Bachelor. They pick this girl on purpose to mess with all the other girls and seduce the guy, and he unwittingly falls for her smokescreen. The reason she’s challenging and alluring??? She’s a total brat! It’s not that she’s independent and knows what she wants, she’s COMPLETELY insecure, she doesn’t know how to not get what she wants and doesn’t handle life gracefully at all. Her not being satisfied doesn’t mean she has excellent taste, it means nothing does ever satisfy her and she’s totally negative and if you stick with her, you got someone who will complain at everything and never be happy. Totally sucks for you, dude. (For visual examples, check out episodes from the last season of The Bachelor, yep, her name is Tierra “The Eyebrow”)

The Tease: You just met her, and right away she’s sitting on your lap. She’s talking to you in a very familar way, perhaps stroking your big arms, then she leaps up and trotts away. Thing is, she’s like this with ALL men, and you’re not the lucky one. The Tease loves attention, even when she doesn’t like the guy at all, she wants all men to find her desirable, because, guess what? She’s insecure, so to get her jollies, she will flirt with any male, even a cat, to show her dominance over men. The Tease is very noticable when you don’t even really know her last name and she’s already breathing down your neck. Next.

These bad girls are alluring because they flatter your ego, big time. They make you feel like a big man and they manipulate very well. The way to catch a bad girl is to notice how she first acts with you, if she’s throwing herself at you right away, if she talks about her loser boyfriend and complains, or if she complains about where you go out to dinner, how girls don’t like her, and nothing seems to make her happy, but you… run far, far away.

Because if you do snag on of these bad girls, may be fun for a little bit, but you just snagged a really negative, insecure person. There’s lots of good girls out there that don’t complain about any inconvenience in life, who are secure about who they are and are happy with life.

A good girl will have a life going on, she will have many girlfriends, she knows how to take the hard knocks in life, and she is very interesting… but you will have to get to know her to find that out.

Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA from this blog, please write any questions, comments on my blog and this will help me with future blog topics. Help me, help you!

The First Date Kiss

Create fireworks!
Create fireworks!

Hello Gentlemen,

One of the exciting things about being single, is having that “first kiss”. Going on the first date, and ending the night with a fabulous kiss.

I think expecting a kiss on the first date isn’t a great set-up for success. Yes, sometimes kissing a person can get some things out of the way: are they a bad kisser? no chemistry?

I will have to argue, that some of the best first kisses occur after date 2 or 3, not date 1. If you can manage it, WAIT for the first kiss. When you get to know the person better and the anticipation of, “when will it happen?” makes it so much better.

Expecting a kiss at the end of the first date can be disastrous, most of the time you’re still getting to know each other and it can be too soon. Some of the best kisses I ever had were after the 2nd or 3rd date, because from the girl’s perspective, a guy usually tries to go in for a kiss after the 1st date. For me, that’s usually way too soon. But when you leave a girl waiting… then she’s in anticipation for the first kiss and it makes it so much more magical when it does happen.

And wouldn’t you rather want the girl to be in anticipation for the kiss than to be rushed into it? When you wait, you’re doing something most guys don’t have the patience for, so you’re already different from the others, plus you are starting to get to know the girl better, so you have a better gauge of when the timing is right.

So, if you can, prolong the wait and more often than not, it’ll be worth it.

What a Girl Really Really Wants

I’ll tell you want I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really really really wanna zigaziga hah!

Haha, sorry, I couldn’t resist quoting the Spice Girls with this post’s title, haha.

I’m going to tell you what a girl really REALLY wants! It’s actually really not that hard, and (shocker!) probably the same exact thing a guy wants.

No, not that!

What a girl really wants out of an amazing guy, one that will sweep her off her feet is one that listens to her. I’m probably not telling you anything groundbreakingly new, but it is something people forget when it comes to relationships.

I know for me, the guys that REALLY peak my interests are ones that really listen to me fully, that will let me talk about my love of music, who really want to hear about my dark past, and who asks questions and really want to get to know me. I mean, who doesn’t like someone they can really talk to and be heard? In this attention deficit society, people are not connecting in person as much, so when someone really takes the time to listen to you, fully, they really stick out.

I remember I was dating this doctor, handsome guy, very smart and we laughed a lot and one night I went to a lounge in San Francisco with some friends. I wasn’t really interested in talking to any guys because I had someone I was already dating (and I’m completely loyal like that, I hold onto the same purse until it breaks apart and I’m forced to buy a new one). Anyways, this Jonah Hill lookalike is with my group of friends and talking with me. He’s trying his darnest to flirt with me and I know it, but I don’t care and engage in conversation with him anyways. What was interesting, was he started to open up and talk to me about dating girls and how he really wanted a girlfriend, but instead settled for sleeping around.

I told him to wait, why have all that hollow stuff? Wait for the right girl. We got to talking more and I realized that I got a pang of guilt. I wanted the guy I was currently dating to talk to me and listen to me just like Jonah Hill guy.

Needless to say, Doctor and I didn’t work out, because, guess what? After a mishap he didn’t want to listen to me and things fell apart.

Hence, why this blog is called “The Single Guys Guide to Dating (By a Single Girl)”, but I digress…

What struck out on that night for me, was this stranger’s willingness to really listen to me and get to know me. I remembered that night and wanted henceforth for the next guy I date to give me that kind of attention. When someone is really interested in you, and not willing to listen to the Cliff Notes of your story, but actually learn about what makes you tick, you REALLY stick out from the group.

So, if there’s a girl out there you’re interested in, engage her in a conversation and get to know her, ask her questions and have her elaborate. She may subconsciously be attracted to you because, guess what? A lot of people don’t listen like that this day and age and it is really rare and special to give someone your time.

And I’m sure, deep down, you just want someone to understand you too.

How to Approach a Girl in Da Club: The 3 No-Nos

photoHello Gentlemen,

We’re getting closer to the weekend (Happy Thursday!) and you may have plans to hit up the local club/bar/watering hole/chess match and you may meet a beautiful girl.

Don’t be caught being one of the creeps that girls flee from, avoid these creepster moves and you will have a better chance at scoring that cute girl’s phone number. Let’s go!:

1. Don’t stand against the wall alone staring at the dancefloor. This is always uber creepy. Pretty much every club I’ve been to since I was 18 (and especially at the 18+ clubs) there will be guys lined up against the walls of the dance floor, staring down their victims and waiting to pounce. Girls try not to notice this type of loser, but it just comes off with you looking like you have no friends, you’re just there to find a girl for some sexy time, and you’re probably much, much worse than we could ever imagine. Guys, go out with your girl friends, guy friends, SOMEBODY at the club. The only time it is acceptable to be caught alone drinking in public is at a local dive bar when you’re sitting at the bar having a drink. Other than that, it’s creepy, don’t do it!

2. Grinding the girl you desire from behind. It’s always the guys that you wouldn’t give the time of day that you find brushing up against your behind as you’re dancing with your girlfriends. Unbeknownst to you, this guy thinks it’s totally suave to just come up dancing behind you and expects you be drunk enough to turn around and not care. Most girls pull the, “oh no, I’m really a lesbian” dance and will grab the closest girl friend and dance with her to get the loser away. Don’t surprise the girl with a dance because for her, it’s mostly not a pleasant surprise, but a time to run in fear…

3. Bring your nerdy friend and jump in the middle of a girl cirlce and start dancing/talking with girls out of nowhere. Ok, there is a time when it’s acceptable to bring your wingman to help score the girls, but most of the time, if you just crash a girl group dancing… you better make sure you can at least move, and you and your boy are confident enough to be engaging. It can be weird for the girls and they try to smile, but they just want to get away. I think it’s better to approach a group of girls while they’re at the bar, they have the option of staying or leaving the bar. On the dance floor they now have to find another dance spot on the dance floor and sometimes that’s impossible, so they’re stuck with you and Screech for a few songs. If you meet them at the bar, you have a chance to talk and if she likes you, she’ll stick around. Or, another option, dance in your own group NEXT to a group of girls and see if you can get one of the girl’s attention, so much better than just crashing someone else’s cirlce and making things uncomfortable.

Additional note: It’s ok to buy the girl a drink (and you should) but if you want to save money and see if the girl likes you, engage in more conversation first. I have hanged out with girls that were professionals in swindling drinks out of guys and moving onto the next sucker. Talk with a girl for a bit, and after a song or two, then offer to buy her a drink (if she doesn’t already have a full drink in her hand). I (and most girls) always like the offer for a drink and if I like the guy, I will definitely talk to and dance with him for a while.

Other Quick Tips:
– Dress to impress, when in doubt, dress sharper than usual, it’ll make you look gooooooddd and you’ll look better than the other guys around you.
– Make sure to get your hair did and be so fresh and so clean. Bad B.O. in the club is a no-no.
– Bring some fun! Be in a good mood! Laugh! Joke around! Do silly dance moves with your pals! That always catches my eye, so make sure to bring your best self to the club.

Any other clubbing tips you’d like to add? Any horror club stories of your own?