How to Not Hit on a Girl

Hello Gentlemen,

New Year’s is coming soon, and I know you may be feeling the slight twinge of singlehood in the back of your head. Another year has gone by, and what you do plan to do next year?

If you plan on finding a girl, I’m going to give you some advice on how NOT to pick her up. That’s right, sometimes learning from your mistakes is the only way you can really find someone special.

Let’s start with the obvious:

1.  Don’t try to pick up a girl on a bus, plane, train without striking up a mutual friendly conversation first.

One time, I saw a guy try to pick up a girl on the bus. Apparently they had seen each other before on the bus, and he was trying REALLY hard to get her to date him. This girl was hilarious, because she was frank with him and was like, you don’t even have a job and hitting on her on a bus was not her idea of a good time. Being REALLY persistent RIGHT away is a huge turn-off for women. Remember, women are usually pretty freaked out by strangers approaching them and she has no idea if you’re a serial killer or a teddy bear, but it’s in her best interest to protect herself from harm. So if you come off way aggressive, “hey baby, come out with me, etc. etc.” and pushing her, she’s going to run so fast the other way… think of laws of attraction, whatever is being chased WILL run away.

Instead, strike up a mutual, non-sexual conversation instead. Granted, it’s the hard part and you only have a few minutes to make a move before the next stop comes, but if you HAVE to hit on girls in transit places, maybe you need to chill out and reconsider why you need to hit on girls this way.

If you’re beyond just getting into a girl’s pants and you really find someone with a spark in a place like this, just talk to her, sit next to her and ask her a question. Now, respect her if she doesn’t want to talk to you. You can’t take everything so personally. She could have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, she could be in a weird place in her life, or she could just not like you. Whatever the case, don’t harass her into liking you and giving her number to you.

When you strike a friendly conversation, her walls can come down and the conversation flows normally and naturally. I HAVE seen a guy sitting across from a girl on BART (the subway for you non-Bay Area folk) and after a few stops, he ended up sitting right next to her and talking with her the rest of the ride home. He had game, he was friendly and wasn’t pushy at all. He wasn’t aggressive.

Remember Gentlemen, women are people and you have to play it cool.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to talk to you, back off and let it go. Not everyone is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone. Remember you do have some power in approaching girls. I know, personally, I would want to ask out guys but I had to refrain because then I would come off too strong, so I had to let guys come to me. You do have some power in picking girls, just remember that the right girl will say yes, and you only need ONE girl to find someone special.

It can be super scary for a girl if a guy is bothering her on the bus, in a plane or train when she can’t really escape, so respect her and be a gentleman, let it go and keep trucking.

2. Don’t make it all about yourself

You don’t need to sell yourself when talking to a girl. If you need to lead with your money or accomplishments to get a girl to like you, she is not a girl with substance that you want to date. Let me repeat that, if a girl you are talking to will only like you if you talk about what kind of car you have, what kind of job or how much money you make, walk away. Seriously, if you think women are ALL gold-diggers, guess what girls you’re going to attract? Gold-diggers. If you need to lead with your ego, your money, your accomplishments, you are attracting girls that are shallow. And that’s not what you want. You want a woman with something under the hood, and most importantly, someone who likes you for YOU.

So, don’t sell yourself. Don’t have a pitch. You’re not a salesman. Make yourself a little mysterious. Nothing is more boring than a person that talks all about themselves without asking the person they’re talking to without asking questions.

The best thing you can do is ask the girl questions. What does she like to do for fun? What are her hobbies? How many siblings does she have? Where does her family live? Let the girl talk and reciprocate the questions. Because if she’s interested, she WILL ask you questions back.

3. Don’t compliment TOO much

Don’t talk about how her eyes are gorgeous AND has beautiful hair AND has a banging body AND this AND that. Leave it to one or two compliments in the conversation at the MOST. Don’t make it super sexual either. Don’t tell her her ass is banging or her legs are super long. Too sexual too fast. If you want to sleep with her right away… then whatever, you’re gonna do what you want to do. But if you really want someone special, someone to stick around BE a GENTLEMAN. Keep the compliments sincere and minimal. Trust me, a girl will remember that ONE compliment. You don’t come across as desperate and you also are thoughtful. The perfect combo.

Ok, Gentlemen, you did good today. Tell me any questions you may have and your stories.

Until next time.

 

 

What a Girl Really Really Wants

I’ll tell you want I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really really really wanna zigaziga hah!

Haha, sorry, I couldn’t resist quoting the Spice Girls with this post’s title, haha.

I’m going to tell you what a girl really REALLY wants! It’s actually really not that hard, and (shocker!) probably the same exact thing a guy wants.

No, not that!

What a girl really wants out of an amazing guy, one that will sweep her off her feet is one that listens to her. I’m probably not telling you anything groundbreakingly new, but it is something people forget when it comes to relationships.

I know for me, the guys that REALLY peak my interests are ones that really listen to me fully, that will let me talk about my love of music, who really want to hear about my dark past, and who asks questions and really want to get to know me. I mean, who doesn’t like someone they can really talk to and be heard? In this attention deficit society, people are not connecting in person as much, so when someone really takes the time to listen to you, fully, they really stick out.

I remember I was dating this doctor, handsome guy, very smart and we laughed a lot and one night I went to a lounge in San Francisco with some friends. I wasn’t really interested in talking to any guys because I had someone I was already dating (and I’m completely loyal like that, I hold onto the same purse until it breaks apart and I’m forced to buy a new one). Anyways, this Jonah Hill lookalike is with my group of friends and talking with me. He’s trying his darnest to flirt with me and I know it, but I don’t care and engage in conversation with him anyways. What was interesting, was he started to open up and talk to me about dating girls and how he really wanted a girlfriend, but instead settled for sleeping around.

I told him to wait, why have all that hollow stuff? Wait for the right girl. We got to talking more and I realized that I got a pang of guilt. I wanted the guy I was currently dating to talk to me and listen to me just like Jonah Hill guy.

Needless to say, Doctor and I didn’t work out, because, guess what? After a mishap he didn’t want to listen to me and things fell apart.

Hence, why this blog is called “The Single Guys Guide to Dating (By a Single Girl)”, but I digress…

What struck out on that night for me, was this stranger’s willingness to really listen to me and get to know me. I remembered that night and wanted henceforth for the next guy I date to give me that kind of attention. When someone is really interested in you, and not willing to listen to the Cliff Notes of your story, but actually learn about what makes you tick, you REALLY stick out from the group.

So, if there’s a girl out there you’re interested in, engage her in a conversation and get to know her, ask her questions and have her elaborate. She may subconsciously be attracted to you because, guess what? A lot of people don’t listen like that this day and age and it is really rare and special to give someone your time.

And I’m sure, deep down, you just want someone to understand you too.

How to Approach a Girl in Da Club: The 3 No-Nos

Hello Gentlemen,

We’re getting closer to the weekend (Happy Thursday!) and you may have plans to hit up the local club/bar/watering hole/chess match and you may meet a beautiful girl.

Don’t be caught being one of the creeps that girls flee from, avoid these creepster moves and you will have a better chance at scoring that cute girl’s phone number. Let’s go!:

1. Don’t stand against the wall alone staring at the dancefloor. This is always uber creepy. Pretty much every club I’ve been to since I was 18 (and especially at the 18+ clubs) there will be guys lined up against the walls of the dance floor, staring down their victims and waiting to pounce. Girls try not to notice this type of loser, but it just comes off with you looking like you have no friends, you’re just there to find a girl for some sexy time, and you’re probably much, much worse than we could ever imagine. Guys, go out with your girl friends, guy friends, SOMEBODY at the club. The only time it is acceptable to be caught alone drinking in public is at a local dive bar when you’re sitting at the bar having a drink. Other than that, it’s creepy, don’t do it!

2. Grinding the girl you desire from behind. It’s always the guys that you wouldn’t give the time of day that you find brushing up against your behind as you’re dancing with your girlfriends. Unbeknownst to you, this guy thinks it’s totally suave to just come up dancing behind you and expects you be drunk enough to turn around and not care. Most girls pull the, “oh no, I’m really a lesbian” dance and will grab the closest girl friend and dance with her to get the loser away. Don’t surprise the girl with a dance because for her, it’s mostly not a pleasant surprise, but a time to run in fear…

3. Bring your nerdy friend and jump in the middle of a girl cirlce and start dancing/talking with girls out of nowhere. Ok, there is a time when it’s acceptable to bring your wingman to help score the girls, but most of the time, if you just crash a girl group dancing… you better make sure you can at least move, and you and your boy are confident enough to be engaging. It can be weird for the girls and they try to smile, but they just want to get away. I think it’s better to approach a group of girls while they’re at the bar, they have the option of staying or leaving the bar. On the dance floor they now have to find another dance spot on the dance floor and sometimes that’s impossible, so they’re stuck with you and Screech for a few songs. If you meet them at the bar, you have a chance to talk and if she likes you, she’ll stick around. Or, another option, dance in your own group NEXT to a group of girls and see if you can get one of the girl’s attention, so much better than just crashing someone else’s cirlce and making things uncomfortable.

Additional note: It’s ok to buy the girl a drink (and you should) but if you want to save money and see if the girl likes you, engage in more conversation first. I have hanged out with girls that were professionals in swindling drinks out of guys and moving onto the next sucker. Talk with a girl for a bit, and after a song or two, then offer to buy her a drink (if she doesn’t already have a full drink in her hand). I (and most girls) always like the offer for a drink and if I like the guy, I will definitely talk to and dance with him for a while.

Other Quick Tips:
– Dress to impress, when in doubt, dress sharper than usual, it’ll make you look gooooooddd and you’ll look better than the other guys around you.
– Make sure to get your hair did and be so fresh and so clean. Bad B.O. in the club is a no-no.
– Bring some fun! Be in a good mood! Laugh! Joke around! Do silly dance moves with your pals! That always catches my eye, so make sure to bring your best self to the club.

Any other clubbing tips you’d like to add? Any horror club stories of your own?

The 3 Day and 7 Day Rules, What’s Bogus About Them?

Hello Gentlemen,

As you may have heard from popular culture, there are a few rules in which you should wait to contact a girl so you don’t look “desperate”. The 3-Day Rule occurs when a male meets a female for the first time (usually a bar, cooking class or animal farm) and the male procures the female’s phone number. After the initial meeting, the male waits three business days to call the female, because he doesn’t want to look too eager. The female is aware of this rule, and she is annoyed but deals with it anyways and anxiously awaits his call.

The 7 Day Rule, is usually after the male and female embark on their first date. Even if the male enjoyed the outting with the female, he proceeds to wait 7 days (flashbacks of The Ring, anyone?) and then calls the girl for a second date, or to chat, or whatever guys do after 7 days of wasted time @_@. The “Rules” are typically posted in male magazines and male-centered websites such as Men’s Health Magazine and AskMen.com.

Girls are onto these rules. All it takes is a Google search of, “why isn’t he calling me?” to find all the glorious male rules of dating. So, girls just wait, or move on, because if he was REALLY into me, he would be calling me right?

The problem with these stupid rules, is if you DO actually make a great connection with this girl you lose momentum when you fail to follow up with her. The 3 Day Rule is bearable, annoying, but bearable. Usually I chalk up the wait to “he’s just busy”, but if popular culture hasn’t already told me, is that the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” explains if a guy WAS that into me, he’d be calling me and I would know he likes me.

If you truly have a great time with a girl, following up the next day or 2nd day after is fine. If she likes you, you will be on her mind and she’ll be excited to hear from you. When you do contact the girl again, don’t blow up her phone with several messages, just ask how her day is going and be short and sweet, or say you had a great time meeting her. The only time I would get annoyed if a guy contacts me is if he was constantly texting me mundane information like, “hey, I’m getting on the bus right now, what are you doing???” BO-RING! It’s kind of like you’re bored and passing the time by texting people. I personally just like a couple of messages, but I don’t like going back and forth for a long time, I rather just talk on the phone. I also don’t like when guys are vague.

The most annoying text a guy can send me is “hey”. It’s like, I have to do the work and ask how YOU’RE doing when you were the one you texted me in the first place. Write a sentence if you are going to text a girl, not one word hieroglyphics.

And yes, it IS ok to contact her before the 3 Days are up, because if she likes you, she will want to hear from you. I think waiting 24 hours is long enough time to contact a girl. If she is annoyed of it, perhaps she’s just not that into YOU, and waiting longer isn’t going to make you that much more appealing.

The 7 Day Rule is even MORE infuriating. After you have a fabulous date with a guy, he’s MIA for a whole week? Even on SUNDAY??? What men’s magazines will tell you is completely nuts. If she REALLY likes you, a week won’t be a problem and it weeds out the girls that really like you from the ones that don’t. Because the ones that don’t like you won’t wait a week, but the ones that do, REALLY like you.

This is how that concept is totally wrong. Remember how I told you about “He’s Just Not That Into You”? Well, most girls are familiar with that book, and with that book, it states that if a guy likes you, he’ll be calling you and not making you wait around making you wonder. So, popular culture is telling girls that if the guy doesn’t call, he’s just not that into her. Girls get turned off by the 7 Day Rule. Well, he must not really like me, because he’s waiting a whole week. You know the girls that will still date you after 7 Days? The ones that don’t give a crap about you. The ones that weren’t mad at all because you weren’t on her mind either because she was probably dating other guys to notice you were gone, and was like, why the hell not? I’ll see this douche again.

And yeah, it COULD work, but it’s plain rude. I don’t believe you were THAT FLIPPING BUSY to not even send one text before bedtime, or during lunch. Because if you’re THAT busy, hell, you shouldn’t even be dating at all! Why are you even wasting time reading this blog? Get back to your busy life already! We know you can’t be that busy to not contact at all. So, there’s two options, you’re not that into the girl or you’re playing a game.

And if you’re playing a game, you’re just setting the relationship on bad terms. Depends on what your goals are, but if you’re looking for Ms. Right, she’s not gonna want to play games with you. If she REALLY likes you, she won’t be turned off at all hearing from you sooner or later, because she’ll be excited to hear from you at all. You don’t have to text EVERY DAY or several times a day, that’s not what I’m saying. Being SLIGHTLY sporadic is fine, because it’s a little mysterious, yes.

I knew one guy that followed the 3 Day Rule to a T. He would wait three days to contact me everytime. Really delayed things in our relationship and I was feeling like he didn’t like me. A year later, I found out through a mutual friend he thought I didn’t like him that much either, which couldn’t have been further from the truth, I was crazy about him, but since we didn’t see each other much or get to talk much, things went downhill. Pretty sad to learn the truth a year later from someone else. We did like each other, but communication definitely went south.

So, communicate with the girl! Don’t let a good one get away!

Avoiding the “Friend Zone”

Friends?

Hello Gentlemen,

I know you’re well aquainted with “the Friend Zone”. A place I know a lot of guys sometimes can’t crawl out of and default to when it comes to women. Today’s lesson, we’ll discuss what the “Friend Zone” is, what happens when you’re in it and how to get out and avoid it.

The “Friend Zone” is a place when you meet a woman and unexpectedly fall into, like a hole that opens up underneath your feet. You decide to be a “friend” to this woman and show her how “friendly” you can be by being there for her, listening to her and you hope if you wait long enough, she will see you for the dazzling guy you really are and come running to you with open arms…

In some cases, yes, this approach could work, but most times you’ve been trapped in the “Friend Zone” with no way out. *Cue Twilight Zone Music*

How did you fall into this mess anyways?

1. Lack of Physical Attraction – Sometimes, I hate to say it, it just comes down to attraction. If a girl is into you, she’ll get to know you as a person, but if the friendship continues for months, or when you hang out there is no touching, or she goes on and on about her crush/boyfriend, etc, you’re in the “Friend Zone”. If she has a boyfriend and keeps you around as a friend, and you REALLY like her, RUN, don’t walk, to the next girl. Just because her boyfriend is an asshole and you make her feel like she can truly be herself, it means she likes the attention from you, but she’s going home to the idiot boyfriend and not you. You’re just there for emotional support.

If she talks about other men she likes, she’s not into you, she just likes her ego stroked. She’s not attracted to you, plain and simple, and there are other foxy ladies that are into you, you just haven’t met them yet. So, for the love of sweet Jelly Beans, PLEASE MOVE ON. Don’t be the poor puppy that listens to her complain about her brain-dead boyfriend and stick around. If she wanted YOU she would be WITH you, not complaining to you.

2. You didn’t make the moves – Sometimes guys fall into the “Friend Zone” because they thought by being sweet and polite would get them an “in” with the special lady. But, if you don’t use your Casanova moves on her, she won’t think much of you and put you in the “Friend Zone” (wow, it’s annoying using quotes every time I say “Friend Zone”, I hope you appreciate the extra effort I put into these posts for you guys). A great way to test the waters with a girl, is using touch, a quick touch on the leg, a playful shove. If she likes you, she’ll lean in closer, or when you say goodbye, she’ll hug a little harder/longer and she’ll reciprocate by playfully touching you back. If she doesn’t touch you, or leans away from you, etc. she’s not interested. Although, sometimes, because you didn’t make any moves, she assumes you are not into her and she moves on. A girl knows pretty quickly within meeting a guy if she’s interested in him BUT her mind CAN be changed, when she learns more about his personality: he’s really funny or they share the same distate in liquorice jelly beans (AmIRight?), but this only has a shelf life of so long.

If you’ve known a girl for 10+ years and she’s NEVER made some kind of move on you and you always liked her, she probably doesn’t like you. She would make SOME kind of effort of playfully shoving you, or complimenting you or something. So, let dead horses lie or whatever they say and don’t crawl out of the “Friend Zone”, you’re already way in there.

3. You’re too “nice” – Nice can equal boring. This goes for both sexes. Boring to me is not being funny, witty or clever. You CAN be a nice guy, but BE INTERESTING. Go out and ride that motorcycle, go rock climbing, go to comedy shows, just have something to say to the girl. If the girl finds you boring, she’ll run off with another exciting guy. So, don’t sit there, staring at her like a zombie while she talks, be engaging and most importantly, have a life.

Once you’ve entered the “Friend Zone”. There are only options after (three if you want to also count by death), you either stay in the friend zone or move your way into “Not Friend Zone” and into some sort of relationship with the girl.

Don’t be upset if you do fall into the “Friend Zone”, just in the future learn how to stay away from it, or embrace it. Learn from your “girl” friends how to get other chicks, because understanding the female mind can work to your advantage.

Venture forth, Young Padawan, and may the odds be ever in your favor. :p