Long time no see! Valentine’s Day is coming up and I thought I’d dole out some more handy advice for you daters out there.
I would like to talk about the art of “the compliment”. Really, I think this deserves its own blog post because it is THAT important.
In the past, I remember dates and boyfriends that I had that couldn’t compliment worth a damn. They had no clue how to be around a girl and respectfully give a girl the compliment she deserves.
Because frankly, she DOES deserve at least ONE compliment if you’re dating her.
For example, I dated a guy back in the day that NEVER complimented me. Not even once! Probably dated for like a month and a half and it fizzled quickly. I felt like I couldn’t really be myself around him. I even would dress up even more, JUST so he could compliment me. I remember meeting him for a date and I remember a random guy in the street stopped in his tracks and just gawked at me. I looked that brilliant that day. Seriously. And what did my date say? “Wow, you look nice?” Nope, nada, zlitch, nothing.
I was dumbfounded. I literally stopped a guy in his tracks on the way to the date (and honey, I don’t pull that stunt often) and my date had nothing to say. I might as well wore a brown bag and called it a day.
If you want your date to CONTINUE dressing up for you, doing something different with her hair, compliment her!!!
Here’s how you do it.
1. Don’t Be Sappy
Don’t say “the twinkle in your eyes brings me hope of love blossoming….” or something creepy like that. No. You’ll just accomplish making her feel super awkward because no guy has ever said anything like that to her and she’ll probably think your foreign or something.
2. Keep it short, keep it sweet
Say something like, “you look really nice today”, “your eyes are beautiful” or “you look gorgeous”. Use the G-Word sparingly though. That’s pretty much the highest compliment you can give a girl.
3. Time it Right
Compliment her at the beginning of the date when you first see her. Compliment the dress, etc. And you can compliment her once in the conversation when it feels right, or during a romantic moment, like before/after a kiss. Don’t overdo it, you’ll embarrass her.
4. DON’T make it sexual!
Unless it’s for a booty call, then whatever. But if you want this lady to stick around, don’t compliment her butt, boobs, legs, etc. If you’ve been dating for a while, then whatever. But for a the first couple of dates, keep it classy.
5. Keep it to 1-2 compliments a date
Don’t go on and on about how wonderful she is. Keep compliments 1-2 sentences once or twice a date.
If you want a girl to stick around, compliment her, because if you don’t, she’ll think you’re not interested and she’ll start doubting your feelings for her.
Upon writing the last blog post about paying for the first date, it also made me think of a topic I had been thinking about writing, what not to do on a first date.
There are so many variables when it comes to a first date with a person, where to go, what to talk about, who pays, how to end the date, how to continue the date. I’m going to list real live examples (these are ALWAYS real examples!) from first dates I’ve had, so, you, Gentlemen, can learn from their mistakes and increase your first date chances of success.
1. Don’t talk about yourself all night
I went on a date once, where the guy just couldn’t stop talking. Just didn’t stop! He didn’t ask me ONE question about me. I look back at that night and probably see that he was nervous, and to calm his nerves he turned into a chatterbox. If this is something that haunts your first dates check out my post on conversing with women to learn how to talk to people. But think of it this way, if you didn’t ask ONE question to your date, you’re in for a lot of trouble. Don’t worry about always filling up empty conversation with endless chatter. There’s gonna be some awkward silences, and that happens, but it’ll change once you ask your date something about herself.
2. Don’t argue, about anything!
Keeping your views on politics and religion and all those hot button issues to yourself really can serve you well. It totally sucks to be on a first date and your date is trying to convert you to Christianity or starts arguing with you whether racism is worse than sexism. Seriously? Don’t argue, you don’t need to prove a point and yes, sexism is real and don’t say anything that’ll upset your date. Maybe it’s a turn-on to you to argue with a girl, but the thing is, you’re still getting to know each other and these are topics that can seriously offend someone, and if you’re with someone you just met… well, then, screw off! You don’t need to go on a second date. It’s better to get to know each other first and respect each other before jumping into these heady topics.
3. Don’t stare at your date
I know the girl you’re on a date with is super hot, but staring at her while talking with her is super creepy. Remember the driving rule, keep your eyes on the road most of the time, but be conscious to look in rear-view mirrors from time to time. You can look at the girl, but look away here and there. I actually remind myself whenever I talk to someone face to face to look away. I consciously tell myself that because I don’t want to stare creepily too.
4. Don’t suggest an expensive restaurant to eat at and then make the girl split it with you
The girl is super stoked you picked the latest, trendiest restaurant to try out together, and you order beers, appetizers, etc., but when the bill comes, you look sheepish and suggest to split the bill. This happened to me once, and yeah, you guys are gonna yell at me, but I didn’t split the bill! I didn’t suggest the restaurant! I know women’s magazines would tell women like me to always bring extra cash just for this scenario, but I saw it this way, he invited ME to this restaurant. If I had known it was a splitting adventure, I may have picked something else. It’s also a first date, and if you see my previous post, I kind of have a thing where the guy should AT LEAST pay for the first date. I split all the time, but he’s trying to impress me and for all the reasons listed in my previous blog. If you can’t afford an expensive restaurant, than for the love of In N Out cheeseburgers, don’t suggest it on the first date.
5. Don’t share your life story with her
Keep topics light-hearted and fun and don’t dive into ALL your backstory traumas. That all comes later when you get to know her and you can trust her. Keep some mystery alive and get to know her. Don’t keep EVERYTHING a secret, but for some of the harder topics, let that come out after the 3rd date.
6. Don’t lie about addictions
It’s one thing if you’re recovering from something and are sober, it’s another if you’re currently using. If you have an addiction problem, you need to be upfront about that. If you’re sober for a while, it might be good to hold back some of that info until the 2nd or 3rd date. You need to be upfront too, but it can be a bit overwhelming dating someone for the first time and learning about your drug secrets, so save it for later when you know each other more.
7. Don’t lie about if are seeing other women or are in another relationship
Dude, just be honest, don’t tell her you’re only seeing her and you’re totally seeing other chicks. Not cool. Also, don’t just assume the girl is or isn’t seeing other people. Just ask! Usually people just want to get that out of the way and figure out what’s going on.
8. Don’t take everything so seriously
It’s a first date! Not an interview! Just have fun! Make jokes, have fun and treat it like someone you’re meeting for the first time. Don’t stiffen up, just get loose and think as if you’re with a friend. A really cute friend.
9. Don’t get sloshed
Don’t drink too much. I believe for guys, 3 is the maximum amount of drinks you should have, but I wouldn’t even say to have one, honestly. This is the first time you’re going on a date, you want to be aware of what’s going on, not falling over drunk. Pull yourself together, man!
10. Don’t take her to see a movie
It’s your first date, you need to talk to each other, not sit in silence. Go for coffee, dinner, museum, park, etc.
Now, let’s talk about the Do’s, yay!
1. Do act chivalrous
Open the door, pull out her chair, hang up her coat! It’s one of the few times a girl can genuinely “feel like a woman”. It’s polite, thoughtful and it’s the little things that a girl will remember.
2. Do ask questions about herself
You want to know what makes her tick, what kind of person is she? Don’t ask her weird random stuff, but be fun in your banter. Joke around, have fun.
3. Do have fun!
You’re on a date! If you’re treating her like a good friend, talking, joking and getting to know them and things aren’t going so well, well maybe it’s not a match. If you think there’s just a little spark left, try another date just to see. Sometimes nerves can get to the both of you.
4. Do be yourself
Always be yourself, don’t try to act like someone else, because true love is between two honest people, based on trust. If you’re not yourself to try to be more impressive, she’ll find out eventually, and besides, you want someone to love you for you, right?
Sorry if the title kind of throws you off guard and seems a bit… “angry”, but I think there are still guys out there that are too cheap to pay for the first date (and the few subsequent first dates thereafter).
I’m saying a guy should pay for the first date, and a couple after, for a variety of reasons. I’ve been on several first dates, several of them from online, and just a handful I went on dates where we went out for coffee… and the guy didn’t even pay for the coffee!!
Ugh. Really? I know it’s common courtesy for whomever asks the other out for the date, that they should pay. But even if the girl asked out the guy for a date, c’mon, guys, pay for the first date!
Personally, here’s reasons why I like guys paying for first dates and it’s not completely superficial and gold-digging as you may think.
1. I gotta make sure there ain’t any other huneys. First boyfriend I ever had, waaaayyyy back in high school, was cheating on me… well, not really cheating ON me, he was cheating on HIS girlfriend of two years with ME for two months. I mean, you could even say, he wasn’t technically a boyfriend, someone I dated when I was young, but still. And after that, I was always weary of a guy that was really cheap around me. Turns out, having a lot of huneys gets really expensive, so cheater-douchebag-boyfriend didn’t want to pay for my food or anything really. And being teenagers, it’s not like he could afford paying for his girlfriend AND all the other girls he was trying to hook up with. So, he was cheap, and I always kept this in mind. If a guy didn’t want to pay for things early on… does that mean there are other girls he’s paying for too?…
2. If he’s cheap in the beginning… then maybe it’ll get hell of a lot worse. It wasn’t like I was asking for 4 star meals, nights at the Four Seasons and the finest crab to swim in the Pacific Ocean for dinner, I just wanted the guy to pay for my coffee! Imagine you sit down for a first date with a guy, you’re excited and then he excuses himself to get HIMSELF a coffee. Ok, fine, I’ll get my own then… and with cheap-ass coffee guy, turned out he was fine with lying to me about being a pot-head, so much that he’d take a shower every time before our dates to get the smell off of him. Yeah, cheap and a liar… I’m gonna vote no on this one.
3. If he doesn’t want to share with you now, how will he be a partner later? Again, there are gold-digger girls out there and normal girls. The gold-digger girls usually rat themselves out early by asking what kind of car you drive right off the bat. They also look really fake. But for those normal girls who are looking for a great guy, they want a partner and a guy who is giving. He doesn’t have to fork out the finest gold on earth to capture her attention, but he must be generous, because the girl will come by on the next date and pay for it, or get dessert, or whatever. But it’s a give-and-take relationship and it’s good to start off giving instead of taking.
So, gentlemen, pay for the first few dates, and if the girl appreciates it, she’ll pay the favor back by paying for the next date, etc. Don’t expect anything in return, and give for the sake of giving instead of expecting ANYTHING from the girl. You want a quality girl and she wants a quality guy.
One of the exciting things about being single, is having that “first kiss”. Going on the first date, and ending the night with a fabulous kiss.
I think expecting a kiss on the first date isn’t a great set-up for success. Yes, sometimes kissing a person can get some things out of the way: are they a bad kisser? no chemistry?
I will have to argue, that some of the best first kisses occur after date 2 or 3, not date 1. If you can manage it, WAIT for the first kiss. When you get to know the person better and the anticipation of, “when will it happen?” makes it so much better.
Expecting a kiss at the end of the first date can be disastrous, most of the time you’re still getting to know each other and it can be too soon. Some of the best kisses I ever had were after the 2nd or 3rd date, because from the girl’s perspective, a guy usually tries to go in for a kiss after the 1st date. For me, that’s usually way too soon. But when you leave a girl waiting… then she’s in anticipation for the first kiss and it makes it so much more magical when it does happen.
And wouldn’t you rather want the girl to be in anticipation for the kiss than to be rushed into it? When you wait, you’re doing something most guys don’t have the patience for, so you’re already different from the others, plus you are starting to get to know the girl better, so you have a better gauge of when the timing is right.
So, if you can, prolong the wait and more often than not, it’ll be worth it.
One topic I’ve had people ask me about are choosing photos for your online dating profile.
This is another gripe that myself and my girl friends desparately want guys to understand, how to put your best pictures forward and also how to not be misleading.
Let’s face it, when cruising through other people’s online dating profiles, you look at the pictures first, and if you seem satisfied, then you’ll look at the profile to make sure this person isn’t a psycho serial killer, and that you like the same movies (obviously).
Here’s a real-life horror story from one of my online dating adventures. Admist living in LA, I met up with someone I had been chatting with online at a bar/pool hall. The pictures of this guy were of him running a marathon, blond curly hair, very athletic. When we met up in person, guess what he looked like? Fat and bald, the curly hair marathoner was nowhere to be found and I was stuck with this impostor instead.
The marathoner was INDEED the same fat, bald man, but those pictures must have been 5-10 years ago in his prime. I felt so mislead, not ONE picture of him with no hair in any of his pictures. Was I supposed to pretend this was the same person? I went ahead with the date and it went awry after having a “debate” on racisim vs. feminism, so it was pretty much doomed fromt the start.
So, PICTURES, people, are supposed to show your onlookers what you look like RIGHT NOW, and not what you used to look like. Here is a List of Pictures that will lead to your detriment, and probably a bad first date if you do not heed my warnings.
1. The “HOT” Pics of you from Yesteryear – As previously mentioned, be HONEST with what you look like now. You want a girl to like you, but if your pictures are misleading, what else are you hiding?
2. The Sunglasses Pic – This is hands-down my BIGGEST gripe about online dating profiles where a guy will have all his pictures be shot really far away or with sunglasses on, so you can’t really see what he looks like. Hey, if you can see my face clearly, I should be able to see yours clearly. You’re just not playing fair and with this guys, I’m more likely to pass them up, because I STILL don’t know what they look like!
3. Pictures with other girls – This one is pretty dumb. There are guys who pose with other girls in their pictures. Usually if it’s a sister or mom, the guy will state it, but the ones where it’s not explained, you can only assume this was an ex-girlfriend… or some girl the guy was hoping to get with… or just some random hot chick that the guy swindled into taking a picture with. This kind of pictures says: I’m a player. You have to look hotter than this girl I am next to. I’m not serious at all with this dating site. If you’re actually looking for a geniune girl, she will be turned off. How would you feel if you see the girl you are eyeing with tons of hot guys? Not really the first image you want to imagine with the person you could potentially date.
4. The Party Animal Pics – Sure, you’re a fun, out-going guy. You like to party with your “bros” and you know how to have a good time. Although, taking pictures of you wasted, with a wig, dressing like a girl, etc. doesn’t really let a girl like me get true insight into your soul. It just tells me you’re the drunken village idiot, you are not to be taken seriously, and doesn’t make me attracted to you. In my previous post “The Bad Boys Complex” I illustrated how women aren’t attracted to boys, they’re attracted to MEN, and this picture here says, “I’m not reliable, please come pick me off the floor and take me home with you”. If you want a party girl, then by all means, go ahead, but if you want to actually attract someone special, best leave your wild party pics on Facebook where they belong.
So, Single Girl, what pictures should I use? You’re such a buzzkill, man…
Have a couple of pics of your face that are clear! Maybe if you had a beard before and one without a beard. No old pictures, no more than 3 years old. Have a full length picture of your whole body. Pictures with your friends, out traveling is fine and make sure to SMILE! If you have the same sour expression in all your pictures, you come across as an unapproachable guy. Have some that are thoughtful, but at least one with you smiling. Dont have a solo pic of your dog, but you WITH your dog will definitely grab some girl’s attention.
Good luck, soldier!
Have any questions for me? Go ahead and ask me what you’d like me to discuss in further blog posts in the comment section below and I will answer your questions!
I’ve been thinking for some time about starting this blog. As a single girl (for quite some time now), there are a lot of issues I come across when it comes to dating (i.e. does that guy even know HOW to be likeable?). There are a lot of hurdles when it comes to dating: online dating profile or not? texing vs. calling? Dinner or coffee on the first date?
Unfortunately (maybe fortunately for you), I’ve been on SEVERAL first dates. Lots of online dates and meeting guys in real life (who knew?) and there are trends, themes that I come across and a lot of advice I’d LOVE to give my dates, but can be really rude to tell a stranger.
So, this is where this blog comes in. I’m going to tell you single guys HOW to treat a lady, how to get her attention, how to NOT be a creepy and increase your chances of getting that girl you’ve been eyeing on OK Cupid to message you back. There are factors to consider and one of the biggest things guys out there need to understand, is when it comes to dating STOP putting yourself first and start putting your date first.
We will grow together, cry together, laugh together and we will argue together, and this may happen in the first few blog posts, but I will get my advice out to you guys from a REAL LIVE GIRL, not some other dude trying to make money off of you with some scheme to “neg” a girl to get her to sleep with you.
No, we will figure out this crazy world of dating and I will give you advice for the first date and beyond.