Today’s lesson is about acceptance. Dating in today’s world can be cruel and unforgiving. Texting? Sexting? Facebook? Online Dating? Real life? So many ways to get disappointed. You can meet more people, but be ever so more disappointed in the options available.
I know single girls who have a tough time finding a guy. They say, “Wise Friend, why can’t I find a good guy? Someone who doesn’t play games?” Girls out there are looking for a guy to be themselves with.
I know it’s tempting to play this game with the ladies, who will bite? how hot of a girl can I get? You think you need to have a guard up to protect yourself. There’s the crazy ladies, and superficial people.
But, at the end of the day, when you’re home alone reading this blog and looking for advice, there is something you need to do, and that is, be true to yourself and “beee yourself“.
I always remembered that from the Disney movie, Aladdin, where Genie tells Aladdin to stop lying to Jasmine and to be himself around her, but he is so intimidated, that he can’t. But you can.
Love can’t happen with someone is being false. You need to be honest, and to be yourself, because if someone is going to like you, you better have them like you for you than like you for who you are not. It’s like your best friends, are you fake with them? And if you are, I’m sorry, that totally sucks, but you need to surround yourself with people who LIKE you for who you ARE.
When you’re confident with who you are, quirks and all, it’s much more endearing than acting like a douchebag.
And those douchebags get older, and still are alone, because no one likes douchebags.
So, say no to douchebaggery, and say yes to being YOU.
Now, to follow up on “The Ways a Girl Flirts”, a lot of guys have been mentioning “The Wild Card”. The Wild Card is when a girl likes you but doesn’t want you to know it because she doesn’t know if you like her.
So, this is what’s happening to the girl.
A girl has a crush on a guy, and probably thinks the guy is totally out of her league or it would create some drama if he knew and didn’t like her back. This scenario plays out most in the work space. I know it happened to me a long time ago…
Long long time ago, in a restaurant far far away… I had a crush on a co-worker. I thought he was way cute at the time, he was older, and I didn’t have a clue on how to act around him. This was typical of me when I had a crush on a guy. I didn’t want to show that I liked him, so I would act total opposite, I wouldn’t talk much and try to stay away.
Think about it, when you have a crush on someone, you’re probably staring at the person all googglied-eyed and could spend forever talking about some random topic, “the celery wasn’t my FAVORITE, but I definitely preferred the cucumber over the lettuce..” and make no sense, but saying ANYTHING to this person would make you blush.
So, obviously, you want to avoid the person so you don’t look like a total idiot. You refrain from talking to the person too much, and you don’t want to say anything stupid. You don’t want to be caught dreamily staring at the person, so what do you do?
Act cold.
You don’t talk, don’t look at them in the eye. Or, that’s what I would do in my case. Which didn’t work in my favor at all, because the guy would have no clue that I was dreaming about being in his arms. Awwww…
So, this can be VERY difficult for a guy to find out. Does the girl really find me repulsive or does she like me and is trying to hide it?
If a girl finds you repulsive, she’ll probably give you a weird face. Like, “don’t-look-at-me-you-pervert” face. If a girl is just intimidated by you, she’ll probably just cut her gaze short, look at the floor and act awkward. She’ll smile at you, but then walk away after an interaction because she’s nervous. Girls get super nervous around guys too! I know guys are all freaked out about asking a girl out, but girls can be so nervous around guys they like.
To be clear, if a girl doesn’t like you at all, she won’t smile at you, she won’t try to talk to you at all, she’ll just ignore you (and for some reason you guys LOVE that) and if she’s also giving you the stink-eye, yeah, she doesn’t really want to get to know you.
If she’s nervous, cutting her gaze short, smiling but then leaving quickly, looking at the floor, she just might like you, you devil, you.
How do you respond? Talk to her! If she likes you, she will light up and start chatting with you. If she doesn’t want to talk, see how she’s acting, pay attention to body language, and that will be your biggest clue.
Ok, gentlemen, I hope this clears up the mystery of “The Wild Card”.
Thank you for reading my posts. I know it’s been a while since I have written. Honestly it’s a bit hard coming up with fresh ideas all on my lonesome. But I see you all are still reading and following my blog! That’s awesome. Thank you!
For today’s blog we’re going to go over the Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Lady.
My friend told me to check out Aziz Ansari’s appearance on Conan two nights ago and how he talked about what it’s like being single. He went on to talk about how texting a girl is a crapshoot and extremely frustrating.
Our attention spans are shortening daily. We are stimulated all the time with our phones, the internet, there’s never a second to get bored. We are bombarded with images and stories and random research.
So, when it comes to texting, it’s easy to get distracted by other things, and game-playing in the dating world is extremely high. How long to text back? Don’t be TOO eager! Don’t say anything dumb! Be aloof!
With texting messages get confused, people get hurt and time is wasted by waiting for a little ding! on your phone which determines your happiness… for the foreseeable next few minutes.
Phew! How exhausting!
Here’s how to cut through the crap, the Do’s and Don’ts of Texting a Girl:
Let’s start with the Don’ts:
1. Don’t start a text with something completely vague as “hey” without some kind of follow-up. For example, if a guy texts me “hey” and nothing else, how am I to respond? With another “hey”? or “hey, how are you?” but then, the guy is making ME do all the heavy lifting of asking how he is doing when he wasn’t courteous enough to inquire how I was doing. How rude! So, fellas, when initially texting a girl, please follow up with a question. “Hey, how are you doing/what are you up to/how’s your day?” is an acceptable starting text. When you don’t make the effort, why should the girl?
2. Don’t text and disappear for a few hours and come back like nothing happened. A guy and I might be texting, then all of a sudden he drops off the face of the planet and comes back with a response as if nothing happened.
I’m thinking: he has no regard for my feelings, I should be way more lax about when he answers, but wait a minute, he if doesn’t care about being timely, what else does he not care about? Should I reply back right away?
Gentlemen, acknowledge you absence, say, “hey, a friend needed my help moving” or something. By not acknowledging the absence, you are telling the girl it’s ok to disappear for a while, and she’ll do the same to do. Or better yet, not reply back at all…
3. Don’t text a girl and make her do all the work. For example, texting a girl hi, and not really asking questions, and not really asking her out. So, then, buddy, WHY are you texting me? Are you starting a conversation? Are you asking me out? Are you just seeing how I’ll respond? This shows a girl you’re lazy and you don’t know what you want.
4. Don’t blow up her phone.In the early stages of dating, constantly checking in is weird. It’s like you’re trying to see where she is all the time. One or two random texts a day is acceptable. Texting morning, noon and night is too clingy.
Now for the Do’s of Conversing with a Lady through Text Message:
1. Do start with a question, get the ball rolling. How are you? How’s your day? Be interested in the girl. If you don’t know how to talk to a girl, just ask her questions and get her talking.
2. Be courteous, and don’t waste her time. Be there and let her know when you have to leave the conversation.
3. Have a purpose for texting. Ask her out or make conversation. Don’t text her because you’re bored.
4. Text a girl as you would like to be texted. You don’t like when someone is rude to you, don’t do that to the girl. If she disappears, don’t freak out, but also know if she never comes back, you don’t want to be with her anyways. It takes a while to get to know someone in the beginning and there will be a lot of mis-connections. The right lady with be on the same page with you.
I’ll tell you want I want, what I really really want
So tell me what you want, what you really really want
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really really really wanna zigaziga hah!
Haha, sorry, I couldn’t resist quoting the Spice Girls with this post’s title, haha.
I’m going to tell you what a girl really REALLY wants! It’s actually really not that hard, and (shocker!) probably the same exact thing a guy wants.
No, not that!
What a girl really wants out of an amazing guy, one that will sweep her off her feet is one that listens to her. I’m probably not telling you anything groundbreakingly new, but it is something people forget when it comes to relationships.
I know for me, the guys that REALLY peak my interests are ones that really listen to me fully, that will let me talk about my love of music, who really want to hear about my dark past, and who asks questions and really want to get to know me. I mean, who doesn’t like someone they can really talk to and be heard? In this attention deficit society, people are not connecting in person as much, so when someone really takes the time to listen to you, fully, they really stick out.
I remember I was dating this doctor, handsome guy, very smart and we laughed a lot and one night I went to a lounge in San Francisco with some friends. I wasn’t really interested in talking to any guys because I had someone I was already dating (and I’m completely loyal like that, I hold onto the same purse until it breaks apart and I’m forced to buy a new one). Anyways, this Jonah Hill lookalike is with my group of friends and talking with me. He’s trying his darnest to flirt with me and I know it, but I don’t care and engage in conversation with him anyways. What was interesting, was he started to open up and talk to me about dating girls and how he really wanted a girlfriend, but instead settled for sleeping around.
I told him to wait, why have all that hollow stuff? Wait for the right girl. We got to talking more and I realized that I got a pang of guilt. I wanted the guy I was currently dating to talk to me and listen to me just like Jonah Hill guy.
Needless to say, Doctor and I didn’t work out, because, guess what? After a mishap he didn’t want to listen to me and things fell apart.
Hence, why this blog is called “The Single Guys Guide to Dating (By a Single Girl)”, but I digress…
What struck out on that night for me, was this stranger’s willingness to really listen to me and get to know me. I remembered that night and wanted henceforth for the next guy I date to give me that kind of attention. When someone is really interested in you, and not willing to listen to the Cliff Notes of your story, but actually learn about what makes you tick, you REALLY stick out from the group.
So, if there’s a girl out there you’re interested in, engage her in a conversation and get to know her, ask her questions and have her elaborate. She may subconsciously be attracted to you because, guess what? A lot of people don’t listen like that this day and age and it is really rare and special to give someone your time.
And I’m sure, deep down, you just want someone to understand you too.
So, you’ve been cruising and perusing through your OKCupid/PlentyofFish/Match.com/HowAboutWe online dating site. You know it’s tough to get a response from some of the hot chicks you see online. How do you grab their attention? How can you INCREASE the likelihood that she will respond back?
Well, hold on to you computer chair armrests, because these are the Top 5 No-Nos when it comes to first initiating contact to a real live female in the interwebz.
1. The Grenade Blast – You think you’re SOOO clever. Just message 500 girls the same message and you’re bound to get at least ONE girl to respond back to you right?
The problem with the grenade approach for any girl worth half her wits, is you can smell it a website away and leaves the girl feeling that much more NOT special. A typical grenade blast usually looks like this:
“Hey girl, you’re so beautiful. My name is —- and I love to surf, hike (blah, blah, blah), we should totally hang out or something and get coffee“.
Here’s the grenade blast which also pairs up with “The Resume” (quite a popular one with the Silicon Valley nerds).
“Hi there, my name is —- and I grew up in —-, I work at —- and live in —-. I am loyal, honest, and I enjoy cooking. I would be a great boyfriend and you should let me show you, I am caring, thoughtful and I am looking for an honest relationship….. (on an on for about a page)”
What’s wrong with these previous examples? Should I let you guess? What’s GLARINGLY obvious?
It’s all about the guy! How many times can this guy talk about himself? It’s obvious he took one look at the girl’s picture, decided “the grenade blast will do well here: Initiate Mission” and start sending the same message about yourself over and over. Hopefully telling a girl how fabulous you are, or better yet, keep it short but mention NOTHING about her profile will win her over, right?
Totally wrong. There is nothing in these messages that indicates that the guy even read the girl’s profile. Also, the reason why a guy has a profile is so the girl can scope out his profile without him giving a resume on why he would be the best boyfriend ever. And you totally know not to trust someone when they say, “trust me“.
The bottom line: The problem is the guy in these messages is making the very first contact about himself, and nothing about the girl. The “beautiful” remark can be said of any girl, so there’s nothing valuable to that. When first messaging a girl, write about something in HER profile so she knows you like HER and she isn’t getting an automated message and isn’t one of the 1,000 girls that got the same message. Also, when you comment on something in her profile, there is some conversation to start out on and can make her feel special.
Cause she is damn special. Sheesh.
2. “Hi” – I REALLY don’t have to go too much into this one, because you obviously didn’t put much thought into this one. Whenever a guy doesn’t give ANY effort to writing a first message and writes “Hi” and nothing else. I just move on faster to another profile. How cheap/unattentive/boring is this guy?
The bottom line: Put SOME effort into writing a first message to a girl, or else she won’t put any effort in writing you back.
3. The “Neg/Insult” – This is an ACTUAL message I got from a guy:
“I can’t decide whether you’re really hot or I suppose the alternative would be not to be. I mean it’s clear that you’re attractive and you might be really hot but darn I swear I just can’t bloody tell.”
Yes, wow. So, am I supposed to be like… how am I supposed to feel after a message like that? Don’t insult a girl in your first message (or second…) It won’t make her like you more. This guy is NOT hot at all, so the debate if I’m hot or not doesn’t matter to me, because I could tell in a millisecond I wouldn’t give him the time of day (or directions to Grant Street in SF) if I saw him in person. Insulting a girl doesn’t raise YOUR value. There’s a difference in jesting and joking and just being insulting.
The bottom line: There’s a better way to be funny and catch a girl’s attention, the insult just makes you look like a passive aggressive nerfherder.
4. “The Baffler” – Here is another gem of a baffler first message I got:
“Do you like milk with ice?” and “Do you wear socks to bed?”
That is it. That’s all they wrote. Just a dumb ass question. Is Men’s Health Magazine or one of those dumb men’s magazines giving you this advice to ask a girl a really stupid question? How is that even a pick up line? This is just beyond silly and makes me confused.
The bottom line: Don’t confuse the poor girl, she’s already confused enough with online dating.
5. The Cheesiest pick-up line – And finally, the grand tamale, another real first message from my online dating adventures:
“You’re so hot, I would buy you a happy meal and let you keep the toy”
And this was from a guy that was 7 years younger than me. Really makes me feel like a cougar @_@
Cheesy pick-up lines are already hard enough in real life, and women still can’t escape them on the interwebz? Will the madness never end?
The bottom line: If you think that cheesy pick-up line wouldn’t work in real life, don’t even think about applying that hush puppy in real life.
Well, then, Single Girl, how DO you message a girl for the first time?
Keep the first message short, 3-5 sentences will do. Mention something you read in her profile, “you enjoy glacier rock-climbing? What a small world!?” and if you want to tease her, go ahead, “you like Miyazaki movies? You can’t be ALL that bad!”. You don’t need to tell her she’s pretty (yet), leave that for the real, live first date. Tell her to have a good day and leave it at that. You don’t need to ask her for coffee right away, just make a short exchange at first, be funny and show that you read her DAMN PROFILE *ahem* and she will think of you as a charming guy.
Phew! Write your online dating adventures in the comments below, how is messaging girls online for you?
The Single Guys Guide to Dating 