How to Break-Up with a Girl Gracefully

Hello Gentlemen!

Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up is hard to do

Today we’re going to talk about something that I know you all have nightmares about. One of life’s scariest undertakings which usually make you grab your teddy in fear and hide under the covers.

Yes, today, we’re going to talk about how to break-up with a girl.

It’s ok, really. We’re gonna get through this. I’ll show you how.

First, let’s establish the relationship. Have you just gone on a few dates? Is this a long term relationship? Depending on the length of the relationship, will determine what kind of proper break-up you will need. Also, it depends if it’s been a nice going relationship or a turbulent one. If you’ve been in a violent, abusive relationship, you will need a restraining order in addition to breaking up with the girl at a safe distance.

But, assuming this is a normal relationship, things didn’t work out and you’re having trouble cutting the cord, here’s how you proceed.

If you’ve only had a few dates: You’ve only had one date or maybe 4 dates with the girl. It’s not working out, you don’t see a long term thing with her, or you’re hung up on you ex and not ready to have a new relationship, whatever the reasonings are, you need to end things with the girl.

If you only had ONE date with the girl, it’s fine to end things through a text message. This actually happened to me once, and I thought it was really the most nicest way a guy to end things. After one date, he texted me that he didn’t want to continue things with me, he needed to be single, but he thought I was nice and enjoyed the date. I wasn’t really feeling him that much either, but it was sweet for him to gently end things. It’s truly, truly frustrating for a girl to wait around for the guy to call/text you for a second date. And if she was really into you, those hours, days can be like torture. If you don’t want to see her again, she can’t argue with a nice text where you ended things nicely. You need to:

- Give her a reason you don’t want to continue with the relationship (I need to be single, hung up on my ex, we’re looking for different things)

- Tell her something nice about herself (she was generous, funny, had a nice first date, enjoyed talking with her)

- And say good bye, maybe you don’t want to remain friends with her, and if you don’t, don’t say you will. Just thank her for her time.

Doing this will:

-Increase your good karma. It’s good to treat others with respect, and if you treat these girls like a good guy, than she won’t have to deal with ANOTHER bad guy. Because what goes around, comes around.

If you’ve been dating this girl for a few months or long term: You need to break up in person. I know, it’s tough. Crying sucks, break-ups suck. But you need to do it. She’ll cry (or won’t, maybe you’ll cry) but you need to handle this like a man and break up in person. Similar rules apply to the advice above, but now timing is much more important.

Don’t break up with a girl:

-On her birthday

-On Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, or any other big holiday.

- Right before or during her graduation (or a similar big day, like a show she’s performing in, etc. She has to focus on something else besides her relationship and it’ll also ruin that big day for her)

Just wait a day or so when these events are over, also if someone close to her dies, just wait a week before breaking up.

When breaking up, you need to find a quiet space so you two can talk together. Be calm and tell her why things aren’t working out and why you need to move on. She may argue, cry, try to win you back, but if you know it’s for the better, remain calm and be strong. After breaking up, leave. Don’t linger, don’t hang around and definitely don’t keep seeing her after the fact.

You need at LEAST three months apart. That means no text messaging, no calling, no seeing each other in person. If you have similar friends, avoid each other. You need that time to move on so you don’t just get back together just because you miss each other. You have to stick to this rule. You both won’t be able to move on if you keep seeing each other.

After three months, you may attempt to be friends, but usually, that’s a tough case and you may not want to be friends. Give yourself and her some time to move on before crossing that bridge.

Phew! Not such a fun topic! But I hope that helps you guys. Be a gentleman and treat the girl with respect and end things graciously and you’ll have an easier time in life.

Until next time!

Online Radio Interview with BreakThru Radio

Hello Gentlemen!

Exciting news! I was interviewed by DJ Jess on BreakThru Radio in New York to talk about this blog! Listen in online to hear me talk about dating and technology and one of my worst date stories! Yay, you’ll actually hear me talking! Woot!

 

Biology of the Blog with DJ Jess - BreakThru Radio

Biology of the Blog with DJ Jess – BreakThru Radio

 

Don’t Waste Her or Your Time

Hello Gentlemen,

I just came across some dating advice, that, for the lack of a better word, I found dismaying. BroBible.com (I know, it’s like the blind leading the blind…) was giving advice to men about 5 times you need to call the girl . Besides some of these things being blatantly obvious, like calling on holidays… the tone of this article is creepy. It’s almost an article for guys that are dating their f*** buddy, and need to make the obligatory call to keep her on the line.

Seriously?

If you HATE picking up the phone to call someone you’re dating, then why in the hell are you dating her? You should be with someone you love to talk to. If you replace all communication with a girl with texting… then why even bother?

Seriously.

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imgur.com

I really don’t like this attitude from men I see in the media that women are these bothersome, annoying, emotional, crazy things that men can’t stand to talk to. Let me put it to you this way, if you think the girl you’re dating is crazy and can’t stand her you could be:

1) Totally right, she’s bonkers, she has tattoos on her eyebrows and refers to herself in the third person while talking with her imaginary pony. She’s certifiably crazy.

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imgur.com

2) You’re having trouble relating to girls and would rather label her “crazy” than to learn how girls are. Instead of trying to understand her point of view, you rather only see everything from your perspective and put her down.

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imgur.com

Women KNOW how men are. Through media, movies, EVERYTHING out there teaches women what men are like. But there is barely any representation of what women are like besides being the Lois or Meg of Family Guy (oh, I’m finally going there). Lois is the woman you want to marry, the partner, the sex kitten of your dreams. Meg is the sister. The girl you’re not attracted to at all, and you know what that means? If you’re not attracted to her and she isn’t a man, you have no interest at all in caring who she is, so you make fun of her and treat her less than human, because if she isn’t a man and isn’t attractive, why is she here?

What I’m trying to get at, is that, yes guys, you need to try a little harder to UNDERSTAND women. And what I’m also trying to say is if you assume all girls are crazy and you can’t date anyone sane, then you have to treat her like a thing to keep her “interested” until you’re ready to let her go… why are you bothering at all?

Imgur.com

Imgur.com

Like, seriously, just wait for the right person to come by that is totally amazing and gets you than to settle with crazy girl that you don’t even like talking on the phone with.

So, what it all comes down to is this, if you don’t like the girl you’re dating enough to call her JUST BECAUSE, then it’s time you start dating someone else, because honey, you’re settling and you’ll never be happy. You’ll be a lot happier finding another girl you like calling. So, don’t waste her time sticking around and don’t waste your time just because you want a bedfellow.

Life is too short to play those stupid games. And besides, every moment you waste with “crazy girl you don’t even like” is another minute wasted where you could be finding “the most amazing girl ever”.

Thanks, Gentlemen.

First Date Do’s and Don’ts

Hello Gentlemen,

First date magic

First date magic

Upon writing the last blog post about paying for the first date, it also made me think of a topic I had been thinking about writing, what not to do on a first date.

There are so many variables when it comes to a first date with a person, where to go, what to talk about, who pays, how to end the date, how to continue the date. I’m going to list real live examples (these are ALWAYS real examples!) from first dates I’ve had, so, you, Gentlemen, can learn from their mistakes and increase your first date chances of success.

1. Don’t talk about yourself all night

I went on a date once, where the guy just couldn’t stop talking. Just didn’t stop! He didn’t ask me ONE question about me. I look back at that night and probably see that he was nervous, and to calm his nerves he turned into a chatterbox. If this is something that haunts your first dates check out my post on conversing with women to learn how to talk to people. But think of it this way, if you didn’t ask ONE question to your date, you’re in for a lot of trouble. Don’t worry about always filling up empty conversation with endless chatter. There’s gonna be some awkward silences, and that happens, but it’ll change once you ask your date something about herself.

2. Don’t argue, about anything!

Keeping your views on politics and religion and all those hot button issues to yourself really can serve you well. It totally sucks to be on a first date and your date is trying to convert you to Christianity or starts arguing with you whether racism is worse than sexism. Seriously? Don’t argue, you don’t need to prove a point and yes, sexism is real and don’t say anything that’ll upset your date. Maybe it’s a turn-on to you to argue with a girl, but the thing is, you’re still getting to know each other and these are topics that can seriously offend someone, and if you’re with someone you just met… well, then, screw off! You don’t need to go on a second date. It’s better to get to know each other first and respect each other before jumping into these heady topics.

3. Don’t stare at your date

I know the girl you’re on a date with is super hot, but staring at her while talking with her is super creepy. Remember the driving rule, keep your eyes on the road most of the time, but be conscious to look in rear-view mirrors from time to time. You can look at the girl, but look away here and there. I actually remind myself whenever I talk to someone face to face to look away. I consciously tell myself that because I don’t want to stare creepily too.

4. Don’t suggest an expensive restaurant to eat at and then make the girl split it with you

The girl is super stoked you picked the latest, trendiest restaurant to try out together, and you order beers, appetizers, etc., but when the bill comes, you look sheepish and suggest to split the bill. This happened to me once, and yeah, you guys are gonna yell at me, but I didn’t split the bill! I didn’t suggest the restaurant! I know women’s magazines would tell women like me to always bring extra cash just for this scenario, but I saw it this way, he invited ME to this restaurant. If I had known it was a splitting adventure, I may have picked something else. It’s also a first date, and if you see my previous post, I kind of have a thing where the guy should AT LEAST pay for the first date. I split all the time, but he’s trying to impress me and for all the reasons listed in my previous blog. If you can’t afford an expensive restaurant, than for the love of In N Out cheeseburgers, don’t suggest it on the first date.

5. Don’t share your life story with her

Keep topics light-hearted and fun and don’t dive into ALL your backstory traumas. That all comes later when you get to know her and you can trust her. Keep some mystery alive and get to know her. Don’t keep EVERYTHING a secret, but for some of the harder topics, let that come out after the 3rd date.

6. Don’t lie about addictions

It’s one thing if you’re recovering from something and are sober, it’s another if you’re currently using. If you have an addiction problem, you need to be upfront about that. If you’re sober for a while, it might be good to hold back some of that info until the 2nd or 3rd date. You need to be upfront too, but it can be a bit overwhelming dating someone for the first time and learning about your drug secrets, so save it for later when you know each other more.

7. Don’t lie about if are seeing other women or are in another relationship

Dude, just be honest, don’t tell her you’re only seeing her and you’re totally seeing other chicks. Not cool. Also, don’t just assume the girl is or isn’t seeing other people. Just ask! Usually people just want to get that out of the way and figure out what’s going on.

8. Don’t take everything so seriously

It’s a first date! Not an interview! Just have fun! Make jokes, have fun and treat it like someone you’re meeting for the first time. Don’t stiffen up, just get loose and think as if you’re with a friend. A really cute friend.

9. Don’t get sloshed

Don’t drink too much. I believe for guys, 3 is the maximum amount of drinks you should have, but I wouldn’t even say to have one, honestly. This is the first time you’re going on a date, you want to be aware of what’s going on, not falling over drunk. Pull yourself together, man!

10. Don’t take her to see a movie

It’s your first date, you need to talk to each other, not sit in silence. Go for coffee, dinner, museum, park, etc.

 Now, let’s talk about the Do’s, yay!coffee

1. Do act chivalrous

Open the door, pull out her chair, hang up her coat! It’s one of the few times a girl can genuinely “feel like a woman”. It’s polite, thoughtful and it’s the little things that a girl will remember.

2. Do ask questions about herself

You want to know what makes her tick, what kind of person is she? Don’t ask her weird random stuff, but be fun in your banter. Joke around, have fun.

3. Do have fun!

You’re on a date! If you’re treating her like a good friend, talking, joking and getting to know them and things aren’t going so well, well maybe it’s not a match. If you think there’s just a little spark left, try another date just to see. Sometimes nerves can get to the both of you.

4. Do be yourself

Always be yourself, don’t try to act like someone else, because true love is between two honest people, based on trust. If you’re not yourself to try to be more impressive, she’ll find out eventually, and besides, you want someone to love you for you, right?

All right Gentlemen, that’s all for today!

Good luck!

Good luck!

 

Pay for the First Date, damnit!

Hello Gentlemen,

Better be generous with that cash!

Better be generous with that cash!

Sorry if the title kind of throws you off guard and seems a bit… “angry”, but I think there are still guys out there that are too cheap to pay for the first date (and the few subsequent first dates thereafter).

I’m saying a guy should pay for the first date, and a couple after, for a variety of reasons. I’ve been on several first dates, several of them from online, and just a handful I went on dates where we went out for coffee… and the guy didn’t even pay for the coffee!!

Ugh. Really? I know it’s common courtesy for whomever asks the other out for the date, that they should pay. But even if the girl asked out the guy for a date, c’mon, guys, pay for the first date!

Personally, here’s reasons why I like guys paying for first dates and it’s not completely superficial and gold-digging as you may think.

1. I gotta make sure there ain’t any other huneys. First boyfriend I ever had, waaaayyyy back in high school, was cheating on me… well, not really cheating ON me, he was cheating on HIS girlfriend of two years with ME for two months. I mean, you could even say, he wasn’t technically a boyfriend, someone I dated when I was young, but still. And after that, I was always weary of a guy that was really cheap around me. Turns out, having a lot of huneys gets really expensive, so cheater-douchebag-boyfriend didn’t want to pay for my food or anything really. And being teenagers, it’s not like he could afford paying for his girlfriend AND all the other girls he was trying to hook up with. So, he was cheap, and I always kept this in mind. If a guy didn’t want to pay for things early on… does that mean there are other girls he’s paying for too?…

2. If he’s cheap in the beginning… then maybe it’ll get hell of a lot worse.  It wasn’t like I was asking for 4 star meals, nights at the Four Seasons and the finest crab to swim in the Pacific Ocean for dinner, I just wanted the guy to pay for my coffee! Imagine you sit down for a first date with a guy, you’re excited and then he excuses himself to get HIMSELF a coffee. Ok, fine, I’ll get my own then… and with cheap-ass coffee guy, turned out he was fine with lying to me about being a pot-head, so much that he’d take a shower every time before our dates to get the smell off of him. Yeah, cheap and a liar… I’m gonna vote no on this one.

3. If he doesn’t want to share with you now, how will he be a partner later? Again, there are gold-digger girls out there and normal girls. The gold-digger girls usually rat themselves out early by asking what kind of car you drive right off the bat. They also look really fake. But for those normal girls who are looking for a great guy, they want a partner and a guy who is giving. He doesn’t have to fork out the finest gold on earth to capture her attention, but he must be generous, because the girl will come by on the next date and pay for it, or get dessert, or whatever. But it’s a give-and-take relationship and it’s good to start off giving instead of taking.

So, gentlemen, pay for the first few dates, and if the girl appreciates it, she’ll pay the favor back by paying for the next date, etc. Don’t expect anything in return, and give for the sake of giving instead of expecting ANYTHING from the girl. You want a quality girl and she wants a quality guy.

Thank you, Gentlemen.

Online dating sites ranked, what’s the best fit for you?

Hello Gentlemen,comp

If you’re new to online dating or even a seasoned pro, picking the right dating website for you can be confusing. Should you pay? Does free online dating sites mean no one’s serious? It is difficult and above dating sites, I still recommend starting the dating process in person (from first meeting, to asking out on date, to first date, etc) because a bit of romance is killed when you meet someone online and then they have to match your expectations of their profile to real life. Which, can be disappointing and almost impossible to predict the outcome, although online dating CAN work for people and I know personally real life stories that resulted in long relationships and marriage.

Through my experience, both literally with using dating sites and through literature that I’ve read on the topic, I have a lot of opinions on which dating sites to use and how to use them.

First, what are your expectations? Are you looking to find the love of your life or are you out to see what fish are in the dating pond? Are you looking for a hook-up or are you really looking for something real?

Remember that this is one of the ways to meet new women. Don’t give up meeting women in person, but online dating can expand your dating pool and if you’re rusty on going out on a first date, will help you get more experience in meeting women.

There are paying and non-paying websites to use and apps. They can change a lot. People will say that paying for an online dating site means you’re serious into finding a relationship. With that kind of mindset, it is tempting to go for a paying online dating service like EHarmony, Match.com and HowAboutWe.com. I remember signing up for EHarmony.com and got rejected as one of the few percent they couldn’t match, so I can’t tell you how they work (hah!) but I’m kind of glad I didn’t use their website (think you rejected me? Well I reject you :P ). I think if you want to try a paying online dating site, don’t pay more than for 3 months. The unfortunate thing is that there are a lot of “dummy” profiles. Meaning, people sign up for a free profile then never sign back on, or stories of fake profiles being promoted that people don’t even use anymore. These are to tempt you into thinking there are lots of fish in the sea, but sometimes there’s not as many active users as you would like.

There are active users on these sites, and generally, yes, they’re more serious into finding a relationship since they’re paying. BUT, since you’re paying doesn’t mean you’re getting a better experience than a non-paying site. Because you can go on a lot of dates from a non-paying site and the plus- you don’t have to pay!

discSo, again, try Match.com and HowABoutWe and other paying online dating sites if you’re very serious about finding someone special, but also remember if you’re not successful in finding people who answer back to your messages or even if you do find a date, it’s not always better than non-paying sites.

Non-paying sites I’ve used are OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. I actually know people who’ve had long term relationships (and are still dating!) from these sites. So, saying non-paying sites that people aren’t serious isn’t true. It’s just that in addition to serious applicants, you have to sift through a lot of other people who are looking to hook up. So, hey, if you’re looking for a rebounding, sad person, they’re abound here! But seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many guys just wanted a f*** buddy on OkCupid because they JUST broke up with their long-term girlfriends and (in every SINGLE case) she was crazy and they were heartbroken. So, they didn’t want to touch a “serious relationship” with a ten-foot pole.

Now that I got that out of me, phew! There are a lot of people who are looking for something serious and DO use non-paying dating sites. Try different sites and the cool thing with a lot of these dating sites is their phone apps. There’s location-based apps, which I think everyone should try, where you can just meet someone right away for a date who’s close by you.

The good thing about dating location apps, is if you by-pass the process of judging someone by their profile, you can find out right away if the person you’re talking to, really click in person. And the Number One reason why I advocate for meeting people in real life as opposed to online is that you can’t know if you have chemistry with a person until you meet them face to face. So, you could chat with messages until the cows come home, you can chat on the phone, scrutinize their profiles, but it means NOTHING until you’ve met in person. They could be totally witty in their messages and then clam up once you meet in person.

So, don’t judge TOO harshly on pictures and profiles and don’t worry so much about having the perfect profile. Keep your profile short and sweet. Keep things 2-3 sentences for each section. Don’t write a novel, but also don’t write, “Um, I dunno how to describe myself…” You need to put in some effort and describe yourself, but also know that a profile really doesn’t mean anything until you meet someone in person. You can’t recreate chemistry online. So, the faster you meet someone in person, the faster you know if there’s any chemistry between you two. Also, be mindful that you don’t want to rush a girl to meet in person too. Talking for two-three days with consistant messaging every day is a natural timeframe to ask someone out for coffee.

So, you got your online profile, make sure that your pictures show your face, don’t hide your identity. When you do ask someone out for a date, keep the date short, happy hour drinks, coffee, etc. If you’re REALLY digging the girl, ask her out for dinner. The nice thing about a dinner date is that you have time to really get to know each other. Although it’s tough when you’ve never met in person before, so I say pull out this card if you really have a feeling it’ll work out well between you two.

I never officially counted how many first online dates I’ve been on. I want to say around 30. Yeah, I know, that’s a LOT of first dates. And out of those dates, I’d say about three of them lasted for 2-4 dates. There are some people who meet their “one” right away, so everyone is different. Why was my 1st date success so low? Why wasn’t I getting a second date, but most importantly, why did I refuse a second date?

Don’t call me entirely picky. Women are labeled picky, but in our defense, we have to be, amIright? But seriously, women have to filter out the bad guys to get a good one. I’d have to say the majority of these first dates that didn’t work out, was because there was no chemistry. Sometimes on my end, and sometimes on their end. I’ve had a range of experiences to a guy wanting a one night stand (no… that’s not what I was looking for…) and one that ended dinner early because he couldn’t get away from me fast enough (and I didn’t care for him either, so whatever!).

untitledAfter so many dates, you can’t get so offended if someone doesn’t like you. There’s a variety of reasons why things work out and why they don’t, but you can’t get hung up over it. Everyone is different. A few times I went on dates, the guys did NOT look like their photos, so it was awkward to expect a curly blond guy and meet a bald man for a first date. Already we’re not being honest here…

And I’m saying I’m not the most pickest of girls, but I do know what I want. Not everyone knows what they want, so when it comes to online dating, knowing what you want will help big time.

You have to look at online dating like a numbers game, or winning the lottery. Sometimes, it’ll just work out, and you’ll be the right match, and sometimes you’ll get a dud. If your date is offensive or rude, don’t keep seeing them. Don’t get mad at someone if they don’t like you the same way. Although my advice to men dating women online, is to take things slow, don’t rush a date or the relationship if you really want to see a future with the girl. Even though some romance is replaced with a profile, make sure to suprise your date, do something small and romantic, to make the date memorable.

Here’s some final advice to sum things up.

- Don’t take things too personally if a date doesn’t work out.

- Try different dating websites to see what works for you.

- Even though online dating is a numbers game, do be thoughtful to your dates and in your messages.

- Be as honest as possible: use current photos in your profile, don’t make up your profile.

- Don’t say too much in your profile, leave some mystery for the date!

- Paying for online dating doesn’t always mean a better experience.

- Don’t give up on trying to meet someone in real life, use online dating as an additional supplement to your real life.

- Do try to see the person from online in person as soon as you can. Don’t rush the girl, but remember that online or over the phone chemistry is vastly different from in person chemistry.

 

What is your experience with online dating? Any questions for the next post?

How to Talk to Girls: Be a Great Conversationalist

Don't get tongue-tied! Here's how to talk to the ladies.

Don’t get tongue-tied! Here’s how to talk to the ladies.

Hello Gentlemen!

Today we’re going to dive into how to talk to women. Please put your phones down, and pay attention, because while you may be busy using Tinder to meet the ladies, you’re missing all the REAL women walking right in front of you.

While online dating is super tempting, (you can meet girls that ALSO liked your pic!), it’s very time consuming. Think about it, how many minutes, hours, days or even months have you been looking for a girl? Sometimes it takes years of dating to meet someone you somewhat click with, but it’s a lot of time looking through profiles, messaging back and forth to only meet someone in person and find out right away that you don’t want to spend the rest of the date with… and it’s back to ground zero.

In reference to my previous post on finding a date in San Francisco for men,this article from SF Gate has popped up on how in San Francisco, women aren’t being approached or flirted with and they have to rely on technology to get a date.

So, gentlemen, we’re going to discuss today on how to talk to women in real life. For realz.

Some of the best conversational advice I’d ever seen was from Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and I will share that wisdom with you. Even though the title seems manipulative, I assure you, the book has no manipulation techniques, only common sense guidelines that have stood the test of time, written back in 1937, these techniques will not only help you with talking with people in general, but also improve your relationships but also help you with your career.

According to Carnegie, one of the best ways to be a great conversationalist is to be a great listener. most people love to talk and rarely do people really feel like they get “heard”. People are brimming with stories, case in point, the lovely lady you’re eyeing. Upon meeting someone, the best way to engage someone is finding out about that person. So, first:

You Must Be Interested

This doesn’t mean only being interested in the person, duh, you’re totally into that hottie; but be “interested” in what they do, who they are, their hobbies, etc. When you find out that someone likes sailing, or playing video games, or riding horses, you can connect with someone who also enjoys the same thing or lets them share that joy with you. I remember in past dating experiences, I could tell a guy REALLY liked me if he kept asking me questions about my work and what I did in my spare time, and for me, these guys stuck out the most. I liked them! I liked a guy would was “curious” about who I was and just wasn’t making small talk. They were interested in what make me tick.

Ask Questions

You don’t need to have a bunch of one-liners, jokes or stories to hook in a girl. You just need to ask questions to keep the conversation going. Be careful of sounding like an interviewer, don’t go into the date with more than three prepared questions. It’ll sound way too automated. Let the conversation flow naturally by asking questions to keep things going. If she’s talking about ballet classes she took while she was a kid, where were the classes? Does she still continue ballet? Are there other kinds of dancing she likes? With any luck, you can have a long conversation and learn a lot about the girl which just asking the questions and she’ll feel glad to finally have someone to really listen to her.

It doesn’t take a lot of story-telling to be a great conversationalist, just genuine interest in the person you’re talking to. Refrain from talking about yourself too much, but get to know the girl and ask her questions so you can find out more. Don’t be an interviewer with repeated questions, but let the conversation continue and flow.

 

Thanks, Gentlemen.